This is the second of two blog posts in the weaning series, written by our very own Alaina Leimbach! Alaina is a milk + honey employee, a mom of four, and a certified lactation counselor (CLC). Part I is all about what to expect with the weaning journey (read that here), and this post gets into the practical side of gently weaning your toddler. We hope this will serve you if/when you and your little one are ready! xo, Maria
The World Health Organization recommends exclusive breastfeeding for up to six months and continuing to breastfeed for up to two years or longer with supplemented complementary foods. If you have chosen extended breastfeeding, also known as full term breastfeeding, you may find that your baby is not ready to wean naturally until between ages two and four, with some children continuing to nurse even beyond that. Sometimes waiting for your child to wean on their own is not ideal and does not work for every family. If you’ve met or exceeded the recommended breastfeeding guidelines, you may decide before your child does that it is time to wean and give them a nudge in that direction.
The problem is that weaning is not as easy, for you or your child, as simply just stopping. Often times our own thoughts about weaning don’t necessarily match our child’s thoughts and you may be faced with some resistance from them. It can be a struggle to figure out how to approach weaning, how to remain consistent, and how to successfully end the breastfeeding chapter of motherhood.
In a previous post we talked about the difficulty of weaning and the physical and emotional effects some women may experience. How do we mitigate some of those effects and overcome any resistance from our child? The answer sounds simple. We approach gently and more gradually. Much like most things in life, weaning can be easier for you and your child if it is taken slowly. With a gentle and gradual approach, you may find some of the physical and emotional challenges you face during this process don’t sneak up as fast and overwhelm you. The hormonal and physical changes will be more gradual, your change in milk supply will be more gradual, and the emotional transition to this new phase of motherhood will be more gradual. You may also face less resistance from your child if you’re not eliminating this time together all at once. I can only imagine my response if someone told me I could no longer drink coffee or eat chocolate. Coffee and chocolate are life, which is basically how all my kids felt about their mama “milkies.” If you can’t be reasoned with to quit something cold turkey, why push your luck with an even more moody and unreasonable toddler version of yourself!?
ALAINA NURSING SWEET JUDE ON REHOBETH BEACH, DE. PHOTO TAKEN BY LIZ HOUGH PHOTOGRAPHY
As you begin entertaining thoughts of weaning, I encourage you to talk to your child about the upcoming changes. There are surprisingly quite a few children’s books out there that talk about weaning. One of my favorites is “Loving Comfort” by Julie Dillemuth. This book is especially great for those weaning toddlers. It does a wonderful job of explaining the changes happening and recognizes how hard they may be for the child, but mama will always be there in different ways even when the milk is gone. Change character names and names for mama’s milk to make it more relatable. There is also “My Milk Will Go, Our Love Will Grow” by Jessica Elder and “Mama’s Milk Is All Gone” by Pauline Vernon. You can find others as well, including some focusing on nighttime weaning. These books can be especially great if you find yourself at the point with a child where you wonder “will they ever stop?!” Even if you haven’t officially begun weaning, these types of books can lay an excellent foundation for what’s to come.
After you’ve laid the groundwork, take a closer look at any established breastfeeding patterns. Is there a particular time or place when the feeding is short and distracted? These are some of the easiest feeds to begin eliminating one at a time. Usually these are at some point in the middle of the day, not first thing in the morning or at night. Or, you can eliminate the one most inconvenient for you. Like the one that falls smack dab in the middle of dinner prep that you’re convinced they only want because you’re covered in food and at your busiest. Start with eliminating one nursing session and when you feel you have both adjusted to this, physically and mentally, you can work on another.
Many people also subscribe to the “don’t offer, don’t refuse” strategy as they begin weaning their child. Generally we get into the habit of offering the breast in response to certain cues from our child, verbal and nonverbal, or as a quick fix in times of sadness or distress. The premise of this strategy is if your child does not ask or sign to breastfeed in some way, then don’t offer it. Look at this as an ideal time to incorporate other strategies to comfort and soothe. Not only does this help you eliminate the feelings of being touched out, but it helps your child learn to communicate in new ways. If they do communicate in some way to breastfeed then don’t refuse them. However, you may be able to suggest a different time or place.
You may find that without offering they will be quick to forget. If your child has begun eating solid foods this may be a perfect opportunity to also replace a nursing session with time to explore new foods or utensils, provided your child is at an appropriate physical and developmental age for the introduction of foods. Explore Baby Led Weaning to introduce and integrate properly portioned table foods as opposed to purées. Break out that new “spill proof” cup that they immediately throw on the floor and laugh when it spills everywhere, or that awesome suction bowl whose suction they can almost always break. Regardless of design flaws, those things provide seemingly endless distraction and entertainment, giving you and your breasts a few extra moments of freedom.
With some emerging moments of freedom, brush up on your ninja skills. Become a fast moving target and avoid those areas where you just know your child is going to want to nurse. For me there was a particular chair in my house and if I sat in it my son would immediately come running. I avoided sitting in this chair for some time and was surprised how quickly he moved on. For some this may be a certain place to sit or lay, a place that you visit, or an activity that you do regularly that may incorporate nursing. Moms can be excellent negotiators and distractors, so put these skills to use along the way.
With these distraction skills, you can also begin eliminating additional nursing sessions by offering some type of alternative. You can find new games to play, go on an outdoor adventure, read a new book, etc. Or, say yes to the anxiety provoking activity you can’t stand that they enjoy way too much. It might just be worthwhile to get that extra break. Unless that activity involves glitter. That will never be worth it.
Continue to eliminate and distract and in time you will find that you’re left with nursing only at nap times, if you are blessed with such a thing, and bedtime. Ideally these should be the last nursing sessions to be eliminated as they are generally the hardest for you and your child. I found the easiest way to approach these times was to adopt a new routine. This can look like sitting in a chair instead of laying in a bed (or vice versa,) offering extra snuggles or books instead of nursing, or even having your partner take over a portion of the night time routine. The most important thing to remember when trying to eliminate these difficult feedings is to remain patient. Sometimes your new routine will be successful, and sometimes it won’t. The times it’s unsuccessful doesn’t mean it is failing. Many times I would think I successfully convinced my kids that singing and cuddling was enough, then I’d go to lay them in bed and they would remind me I “forgot” the milkies. Their remembering wasn’t regression, it was just the slow adjustment. They began remembering less and less until one day I was the one who couldn’t remember the last time they asked for it.
If you reach a point where you feel stuck, you could also try putting a time limit on their nursing session. It doesn’t have to be an actual timer, but some sense of timing that they recognize. For my son it was a song. I would sing a few verses of “Hey Jude” (more or less verses depending on how exhausted and touched out I felt that day) and he knew that when I got to the “na na na na, hey Jude” part we were done. It was something he was familiar with singing, so the timing and ending of it didn’t come as a surprise to him. For your child it could be a nursery rhyme, lullaby, or something else they may already be familiar with.
Ultimately, weaning doesn’t have to be a struggle and it doesn’t have to be done by a certain age or within a certain time frame regardless of what others around you may say. There is no right way or wrong way. The most important thing to consider is to do what works for you. Gentle weaning doesn’t happen quickly, so if you were wanting to be done yesterday then incorporating some of these strategies may not be right for you. Some of the things mentioned may not fit into your plan or may not go as you expected. You may find alternative strategies or build on ones already mentioned. Find what works for you and remain consistent. Above all, remember to be patient and not discouraged.