Our story this week comes from Tatiana. Tatiana shares her story about struggling with depression and anxiety before becoming pregnant and how that affected her pregnancy and breastfeeding journey.
I never wanted kids (says the mom of three). I was convinced I would be a dog mom forever and I was completely fine with that, until this guy from work texted me some flirty message and the rest is history. But my road to motherhood wasn’t easy, at least not on my mental health. I look back now at my journey to get here and I’m so proud of the woman I am and the detours I took along the way.
As a child I was sexually abused by my mothers boyfriend for years. When I finally told my mom, she decided to leave the decision of him continuing to live with us up to me, an 8 year old little girl. Of course being the vulnerable child I was, I said he could stay because he “promised” to never hurt me again. Well that was a lie. This trauma continued until I decided it was up to me to stop it. At 13 I threatened to tell anyone that would listen if he hurt me again and it scared him enough to never touch me again, but he still lived in my home. When I was 19 I decided I wanted more for my life so I decided to join the Army. While serving I experienced sexual harassment from my superiors on more than one occasion and sexual assault from a man that I was in a relationship with. Because of the trauma I experienced, I fell into a deep depression and had major anxiety. I decided to go to therapy and it changed my life.
Therapy made me think about my trauma in a different light, it didn’t define me but was a part of my story, not the whole book. Cheesy I know…which leads me to my husband. When I met him I knew he was different, you just kinda know, ya know? While yes, I was still going to therapy and making great progress with my mental health, I was still experiencing major depression and anxiety. After talking with my therapist I decided to try out medication. As many who have tried meds, I did the whole off and on thing. I would start to feel better then get off my meds, fall into a deep depression, then repeat the cycle. When my husband and I decided we wanted a baby I was on medication. At some point I went off of them, probably because I was “feeling better.” I knew there was a possibility of PPD, but I was convinced if I ate right, exercised, meditated, etc. that I wouldn’t experience it.
When I got pregnant with my daughter I was adamant about breastfeeding. I knew this could help with deterring PPD. After having my daughter I didn’t feel that “bliss” everyone talks about. I looked at motherhood as another job of mine. After 4 months of this feeling and waiting to “feel the bliss” I decided it was time to seek help. I got back on my medications and started up therapy again. Looking back, this was the best thing I did for my mental health and my daughter. Soon I started looking at my baby and enjoyed feeding her and being with her. Nursing became our time together, to bond and to get away from everyone. I wanted to breastfeed until at least a year, but wanted the decision to be up to her, whenever she wanted to stop, we would stop. At 10 months my daughter stopped wanting to nurse, I was sad but reminded myself of how much I wanted to raise a strong, independent woman.
Once my husband and I decided we wanted to try for our last baby, I got pregnant very soon after. We only told a few people which included my husband’s immediate family and my sister, not even my mom knew. My relationship with my mother was strained, we didn’t talk for 10 years, basically my entire 20s. When we reconnected, it was awkward but I wanted to try and mend our relationship, something I always wished she did. I was a few weeks pregnant when I got the phone call, my mom was in the hospital she wasn’t going to make it and I needed to come say my goodbyes. My mom barely knew my daughter and would never meet my future babies. Yes, babies. The day before my mom’s funeral I had another check up where I was told I was pregnant with not one, not two, but three babies! That’s right, this girl was pregnant with triplets. I had all the feelings; terrified, nauseous (because hello hormones), nervous, overwhelmed, all while trying to grieve my mom.
At 16 weeks, we lost one of our babies, baby C as he had become to us. He will be with us forever, my little angel baby. The next 9 months were miserable, plain and simple. I was in pain all the time and loathed being pregnant. I was stressed about being able to breastfeed two babies, but I knew I wanted to try. This time around it was different. Mentally I was in a far better place. I was on my medications, doing therapy consistently, and had a great support system but still knew the chances of me having PPD were high. In the hospital one of my boys latched right away, while my other son struggled. I wasn’t hard on myself, gave myself grace and patience. I told myself I would breastfeed and pump as much as my body and mental health allowed. After two months of trying off and on, my other son finally latched! It was so sweet and beautiful. Being able to bond with each of my babies in this way has been so amazing. They each have their own little quirks. One of my boys grabs onto my shirt and stares at me intensely every time he nurses. My other baby boy falls into a deep state of bliss, rolling his eyes to the back of his head followed by closing his eyes the moment he latches.
Being their momma is quite literally the best thing that could happen to me. I’m thankful for my therapist that led me to medication (which I’ve stayed on for 1 year and 7 months - go me!!) and gave me the tools to help myself which opened my heart to meeting my husband, who gave me my beautiful family. Breastfeeding has given me the chance to get to know my babies in such a special way. We are now 5 months into breastfeeding and I’ll be leaving it up to them, just as I did with my daughter, when we will stop. But until then I’m enjoying every moment alone we have together.
To the mommas out there trying to decide on medications while pregnant or breastfeeding, your baby needs the healthiest version of you, whatever that looks like.
My twin boys and my daughter.
If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, please seek help!
Better Help
SAMHA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration)
If you are struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, please seek help for you and your baby!
Alma
UpLift
Talkspace
Better Help
What do you think about Tatiana’s story? We think she is amazing for getting the help she needed and providing the best for her and her babies! Thanks for sharing Tatiana!
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