“Mom guilt”. While every mom feels it in a different way or area, we pretty much all struggle with it. Mom guilt is basically guilt or negative feelings circling around not doing enough (fun activities, healthy meal planning, educational based games) with your kids and the overwhelming feeling that you are “messing up” your child(ren)’s life long term. We’ve ALL been there! And if you’re new to motherhood, you likely will experience it in the near future. With social media and the never ending extra curricular activities out there for our children to be involved in, it’s hard to not get smacked in the face with your supposed “shortcomings” as a mother. It can leave you “stress paralyzed”, feeling so overwhelmed that you can’t even do the simple, daily tasks or activities for your kids or family.
When Susie posts that beautifully laid out plate of whole grain pancakes made into perfect hearts dyed with beet powder, a side of scrambled eggs and heart shaped fruit for a valentine’s day breakfast, it can make you feel like you don’t care enough about your kids health when they’re eating a bowl of cereal for the 100th day in a row before they are rushed out the door to the bus stop.
Or when Debbie shows up at the local moms group talking about all the fun hiking adventures she took her kids on and how they are studying nature (at 12 months or 2 year old) in such great depth; on time, dressed well, make-up on point, latte in hand. Then you show up running through the door 15 mins late, looking like a hot mess, spilling your coffee and the last bit of your sanity and haven’t done a single planned activity (much less an education one!) in over a month.
As a mom, it’s so hard when we see other moms who look like they have it all together and to not let guilt creep in and weigh us down. It can be so overwhelming sometimes that it keeps us from actually doing the very things we want to do (make a healthier breakfast for our kids or do more outside activities) because we tell ourselves that we’ll never be good enough. It can overtake our thinking in such a way that we try to make all the changes at once and become an even more stressed out mess and end up right back where we started!
So what do we do? How do we overcome “mom guilt”?
The first thing we need to do as moms is STOP COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHER MOMS!!! This may seem like a no-brainer, but we all know that it isn’t as easy as a snap of the finger. With social media, it’s in our face all the time! Maybe for you, the first step is to put down the phone and take a step back from social media - or that friend that means well, snooze her profile for 30 days so you don’t see her posts all the time. For me personally, I have found that if I make a conscious effort to uplift that other mom in her accomplishments (ex: “Susie - that is such an amazing looking breakfast! Your kids are so blessed by you finding special ways to show them you care!”), it can change my perspective entirely! I read another blog a few years back that really helped me change my mindset around this - “Ten Ways To Be Another Mom’s Cheerleader”. It is great on so many levels, but if you struggle with comparing yourself to other moms, this might help you to shift your perspective. When we focus on uplifting other moms, not only do we help build up a stronger community of moms (and therefore kids), but we also stop focusing on the negative in our life. Without that negative perspective looming over us, we might even find the energy to scramble some eggs and chop up some strawberries once in a while for the kids breakfast! (It isn’t all or nothing, after all.)
The second thing we need to do as moms is to understand the importance of self care. Bump yourself up on your priority list because YOU are a priority - and don’t allow that “mom guilt” to creep in! You’re a better mom when you practice self-care (really - I promise!). After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup! Whether it’s taking 15 minutes after the kids are finally in bed to soak in the tub instead of finishing up the laundry or skipping the weekly playdate (your kids favorite part of the week) because this week just had too many other commitments and you just can’t mentally handle one more thing on the agenda), understand that you aren’t being selfish for putting your needs ahead of your child from time to time. The more relaxed and refreshed you are, the more energy (physical and mental) you will have for the fun activities later. I’ve seen in my personal life just how much the atmosphere of our home shifts when I get some “me time”. When I am able to clear my head and relax, I’m happier and much more willing to let my kids make the cornstarch mud they’ve been begging to make for three weeks and don’t even give a thought about the mess it will make. (That was a fun activity if you don’t mind a bit of a mess!) My kids are happier because they aren’t walking on eggshells trying not to upset mom. Heck, my husband is even happier because when I’ve had that time to unwind, I have more time to offer to him instead of worrying about the disastrous state of the house! Oh my house is still a mess, but my attitude surrounding it is what has changed - making everyone inside my home much happier.
(Check out some of our favorite Self Care products!!!)
The third thing you need to overcome mom guilt is to FIND YOUR TRIBE!! It’s not always an easy task, I know, especially if you’re more of an introvert like me, but we all need at least a few moms in our corner who can listen to us spill our guts, let us cry, then pick us up and fill us full of compliments (and coffee), fix our make-up, and send us on our way. When you have other moms who encourage and support you, it’s much easier to overcome those feelings of guilt when they creep in - because you know there are other mommas that have your back and who likely think like you, mom like you, and for certain who don’t judge you in your parenting. We NEED those mommas in our lives to come along side of us and support us.
The last thing we need when dealing with mom guilt is GRACE. I have learned a lot about myself through the years I’ve been a mom, but one of the things I’ve learned that has lately become a theme in my life is that I am not a hyper gracious person. I struggle with showing grace to others, including my kids, but especially myself. This is something I recognize and I am working on improving in my life as a mom, but I also see the need to allow myself some grace when I make mistakes or miss the mark in my parenting. I am not perfect, but neither is Susie! When I allow grace for myself, I don’t allow the guilt of where I *think* I’ve missed the mark to weigh heavy on me. I can address any issues, make corrections as needed and move on! Grace is a wonderful thing when we allow it to operate as intended, but we have to give it a place in our own life!
Mom guilt comes in all different forms and sometimes hits out of nowhere. It can be scary and overwhelming trying to deal with it and when you find yourself second guessing every choice you make as a mom, it’s time to step back and address the guilt we’re feeling. The tools listed above are certain to help (although there are other tools out there you can use), but remember, they won’t change your circumstances, only your mindset - allowing you clarity as you walk through life and parenting. You certainly aren’t perfect, none of us are. But you are enough! You’re enough for your kids, your family, the roles you’ve been called to (not always the roles you take on, but that’s another blog for another day).
I’ll leave you with this - a quote from one of my favorite movies “Mom’s Night Out”:
“Let me tell you something, girl. I doubt the Good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the mama He did. So you just be you. He'll take care of the rest.”
Terri - General Manager at Milk + Honey Jewelry
Have you or do you still struggle with “Mom Guilt”? How have you worked to overcome it? Do you have any tips for the mom who is in the thick of it?