Katelyn's Story of Formula Feeding and Breastfeeding

Our story this week comes from Katelyn. She had two very different experiences with breastfeeding!

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Hi I am Katelyn, I am a mama of two. I have a 3 year old daughter and a 11 month old son. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I knew I wanted to breastfeed her. It was something I thought was important and looked forward to very much. 

When she was born she did not seem to get a good latch the first few feeds and I was new to breastfeeding and wasn’t sure exactly what to expect from her. About 8 hours after she was born they checked her blood sugar and the nurse said it was slightly low and that maybe I should offer her formula to make sure it didn’t drop anymore. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea but I didn’t want to hurt my baby either so we gave her the bottle and she ate it very well but we still continued having issues getting her to latch correctly for breastfeeding. We ended up doing supplement feeding for the first week but she always seemed to do better with the bottle and would sometimes cry when I tried to breastfeed. 

A week after I gave birth to her I got really sick and ended up in the hospital for a few days completely dehydrated because I couldn’t eat or drink anything without it coming back up. With that happening my breastmilk just never came in well. I was so upset and felt like I was failing for a while but eventually that feeling went away. My daughter was fed and healthy and loved and that was the most important thing. When my daughter was about 18 months old we found out we were going to be having another baby. I immediately knew I wanted to try to make this breastfeeding experience better than what I had the first time. 

When my son was born he immediately latched on perfectly and ate for like 3 hours straight. I was amazed. He cluster feed for about the first month and I felt like all I did was feed him. It was definitely harder than I ever thought it would be but I was happy that I was getting to breastfeed him. Things started to get easier as he got older and wasn’t eating quite so often. He never took a bottle and got frustrated when we would try to give it to him. When we introduced solid foods he started taking a sippy cup and then started to have his milk in them sometimes. This experience with him has been so sweet and I am so glad I got to experience breastfeeding. It’s a beautiful part of motherhood that I didn’t really get to experience fully the first time with my daughter. 

I am glad that I got to experience having a formula feed baby as well because now I know that both are ok. Both keep the baby healthy. There are good things about both. My husband could help me a lot more with our daughter because she did take a bottle. I believe that was the hardest part at the beginning with my son when all he did was eat. Every time I had to wake up to feed him because he wouldn’t take the bottle. With my daughter he could feed her a bottle and give me a break. 

My son is now 11 months old and I am planning to start to wean him at 12 months. It is bittersweet as I think about it. It will make things easier on me but at the same time I won't ever get to do it again and that makes me sad. I have learned a lot through this journey of breastfeeding but the biggest and most amazing thing I learned was that God created mothers to have everything they need to keep their baby healthy and alive at birth. Our bodies grow these sweet babies which is so amazing and then when they are born we have the ability to feed them and keep them alive with our bodies by breastfeeding. I find that amazing! Motherhood has been so life changing and my favorite part of life. I am blessed to be a mom.

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What do you think of Katelyn’s story? We love how she was able to focus on the positives with each experience, even though things didn’t go exactly “as planned”. Thanks for sharing Katelyn!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it here!

Andrea's Breastfeeding Story

Our story this week comes from Andrea. Andrea had a rough beginning to breastfeeding, had several bouts of mastits, and handeled some rough food allergies with her little ones, but she pushed through and worked hard to do what she felt was best for her babies!

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The strange thing about having a baby is, you don't even realize how difficult it is, until it's in the past!  At least that's the way it has always been for me.  Everytime I am asked about my breastfeeding journey with my two girls, the first thing that comes to mind is "it was easy!" But when I really sit down and think about it, I realize it wasn't easy. Not at all. It was actually really hard. The more I sit and type out my story, the more I realize how very challenging it was, and why many, many people told me I should give up. But I never did. My mama heart knew I wanted to keep going. So I pushed through, despite all the setbacks.

My first daughter, Lucy, was born in March of 2016. Leading up to her birth and all throughout my pregnancy with her, I always knew I wanted to breastfeed. It was never really a question for me.  I did all the textbook things to prepare for my breastfeeding journey with her - took a class at the hospital, bought the books, ordered a pump, stocked up on supplies like lanolin. I was ready!  Once Lucy was born, the nurses handed her to me and put her right on my chest. As she was born in a nursing friendly hospital, the nurses immediately encouraged me to try nursing! I was ready! Lucy had her own agenda though. She wasn't really latching properly (if at all) and we spent a good hour and a half trying to get her to latch, before my husband even held her for the first time. Although she wasn't doing so great, I knew we had much more time to perfect the process so I didn't worry too much. Over the next few days in the hospital, the nurses and lactation consultants came in and helped me to get it right. It was going ok, but by the time we were discharged to go home, my nipples were SO sore and cracked and bleeding. Over the next several weeks, everytime Lucy would latch, I would have toe cringing pain. I had her pediatrician check her for tongue and lip ties but he didn't see any. In hindsight, I wish we had seen a specialist about this because the pain of nursing did not go away until about 6 weeks. However, that wasn't the only issue I would encounter.

When Lucy was 3 weeks old, I took her for a check up at her pediatrician's office. I was excited, feeling confident about her growth and happy to be a new mom. On the way home I decided to stop at Target to grab a few supplies. As I was shopping, I distinctly remember starting to not feel very well. By the time I reached the checkout, I was sure that I had a fever and my left breast was starting to feel achy and hot. When I got back to my car, I took a peek down in my shirt and noticed that I had a large red spot surrounding half my left breast. I immediately knew it was mastitis. I called my doctor and they asked me some questions. They didn't need to see me in the office because they knew what it was too. The doctor called me in a prescription and gave me some tips for what to do. Unfortunately, my body didn't respond to the general antibiotic that was prescribed and I spent the next three days with a really high fever, honestly feeling like I might die from it. Though I continued to try to nurse from the left side, no milk was coming out whatsoever. I was so engorged, in pain and uncomfortable. I tried hot compresses, cold compresses, cabbage leaves, nursing and pumping. Yet still nothing would come out.  If I managed to get a few drops out, it was green color and not the consistency of milk at all. The pain when I tried to nurse was excruciating to the point where I was sobbing. It was terrible. Finally I called the doctor again after my husband's urging, and they scheduled me to come in.  The doctor said this was one of the worst cases of mastitis he had ever seen. He also felt a lump in one of the ducts and was worried I might have developed a cyst, so he referred me to a specialist for an ultrasound of my breast.  The ultrasound went well and it was determined that I would not need any surgery or cyst removal. I was switched to a different antibiotic and immediately things started to improve. However, the long term results of this bout of mastitis meant a drastic decrease in supply from my left breast.  

During the first three months of Lucy's life, I got mastitis a total of three times. Nothing was as bad as that first time, but each time resulted in fever and antibiotics. Each time my supply was cut. Eventually after the third bout, I didn't have any supply left and had to nurse exclusively from my right side breast. Yet, I still persevered.

Ironically, it was also around this time (3 months old) that I started to notice Lucy's discomfort when nursing. She would arch her back and scream at the breast. After consulting with the pediatrician and doing several tests on her, it was determined that Lucy had a dairy protein intolerance. The doctor recommended that I discontinue eating anything with dairy or soy until she hopefully outgrew the allergy. I stocked up on all the food that would fit into this new plan for me, and went with it. After a few weeks, Lucy hadn't improved much. The doctor recommended phasing out other food groups every few weeks until I noticed an improvement. Next was gluten, then eggs then nuts. FINALLY, Lucy seemed better while I was nursing her. It wasn't much fun for me because I was limited to eating mainly meat, rice, veggies and fruit. My meals looked the same every day because there was so much I couldn't enjoy. But never once did I stop and consider using formula.  I don't think anything is wrong with formula (after all, fed is best!) but I just didn't even entertain it as an option for us. The sacrifices I had to make felt natural and I was so confident in my decision. Looking back on it 4 years later, I realize that this is just what mamas do for their babies. 

Lucy eventually outgrew her allergies and self weaned from nursing around a year. I was sad when the journey ended but proud of how many obstacles we had overcome.

Fast forward 3 years, and Lucy's sister Piper was born. Much of Lucy and Piper's stories are the same. Piper was quicker to latch, but I still felt pain for the first several weeks. I developed mastitis in the left breast 4 times with Piper. Each time I had to take antibiotics. By the end of the 4th round, my supply was again gone, and it was clear that I would only be able to nurse on the right side. Piper also had the same allergies that Lucy did, so I again gave up many food groups so that I could continue nursing her. She is now 14 months, and we are still going strong!

I never knew how much I would appreciate and love being a breastfeeding mother. The bond that I feel with each of my babies is indescribable. When Piper was born and I was dealing with the chaos of a toddler and baby, I loved the quiet moments where I would sit and nurse Piper peacefully. It was the calm and stillness of those moments that I will always remember the most.  When Piper occasionally wakes in the night to nurse, I sit in the rocking chair with her and still cherish our sweet time together.  Breastfeeding has changed me for the better, and I am so glad I was able to fulfill my dreams of nursing my babies.

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What do you think about Andrea’s story? We think she overcome some tough obstacles and did an amazing job at breastfeeding! Thanks for sharing Andrea!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it here!

Sarah’s Journey of Oversupply, and Divine Timing

Our story this week comes from Sarah. She’s got a beautiful story of triumph and heartbreak, with a healthy dose of divine timing.

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I’ve been lucky enough to carry two babies now and each boy gave me a very different breastfeeding journey. 

My first son was born in September 2017 and the plan was to give breastfeeding a shot. I’d always heard how amazing it was and how it was a bonding experience like no other. However, once he was born breastfeeding proved to be very difficult and a lot harder than I initially expected. I didn’t realize until way after I stopped breastfeeding him that he’d had a tongue tie and no one told me it was possible. His latch would cause me so much pain and he never seemed satisfied. We tried to stick it out and we ended up getting about three months of breastfeeding in. During that time, I would often become engorged due to my body trying to produce enough milk for him. So much so that I ended up over producing. Towards the end of my breastfeeding journey with him, I donated most of my milk stash. I wish I’d saved one bag from my breastfeeding journey with him. I had to realize that fed is best and tell myself that I wasn’t a failure for not wanting to breastfeed him anymore. 

My second son was recently born in July 2020 and this time around I was adamant about not breastfeeding at all since my first experience had been so awful and hard on my body. After I’d delivered him I was so drugged up on pain meds and so tired from labor that when the nurses put him to my breast I barely noticed. Obviously that triggered my body to start producing milk and I became engorged the day after we left the hospital. For the first week of my new baby’s life I was in pain and trying anything I could to stop producing milk. My fiancé was beyond supportive and did so much research and bought every ice pack to help me cope. I developed mastitis rather quickly and spent nearly every waking hour in pain. My second baby is now a month old and things are much better. While trying to dry my supply up, I built up a huge stash of breast milk I pumped trying to clear ducts. My second baby developed a high fever and was taken to the ER. While we were in the hospital he needed to have tests done but the nurses wouldn’t provide me with formula until the tests were complete. I felt helpless and refused to let my baby starve. I ended up breastfeeding him that day and for the first time ever, it felt right. His tests came back normal and we were sent home a few hours later. 

We are now breastfeeding once a day and he drinks a combination of formula and frozen breast milk the rest of the day. I’m now able to pump once a day as well without becoming engorged. We are all happy and healthy and no one is in pain. 

I hadn’t heard of breast milk jewelry until this time around but I wish I had before. I wanted something to have to remind me of how powerful and strong my body is. I'm beyond excited to receive my THREE pieces of breast milk jewelry and they will be my most sacred pieces I own. 

I feel very empowered being able to nurture not one but two babies with my body. Although each breastfeeding journey was different and came with its own set of hardships, I wouldn’t change either of them for the world.

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What do you think of Sarah’s story? Thanks for sharing Sarah!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it here!

Ashley's Story of Work and Breastfeeding

Our story this week comes from Ashley. Ashley is a working mom who found the best balance after much researching of how to manage feeding her son while juggling the busy schedule at her job.

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My breastfeeding journey was a little unusual in the way that it began. I initially didn't want to breastfeed. I thought it would "inhibit me from living my life" and that "working moms don't have time for that..." Well boy was I right! But also was it so worth every precious minute to feel that connection with and nourish my baby boy.

A lot of women spend time thinking about and hoping for the experience of breastfeeding their child one day. I wasn't that woman. I spent time thinking about how I could have a family and a career. Breastfeeding didn't fit into that vision. I like to research and enjoyed researching everything I could during my pregnancy in order to find the recipe to give my son the best life possible. That research led me to the significant benefits of breastfeeding; from emotional connection to health gains. I became curious and eventually decided I would give it a go, focusing on a goal of 2 months of breastfeeding then a switch to formula when I went back to work. My job is different than most, I work as a Speech-Language Pathologist at a rehabilitation facility. Working in a medical setting I can't afford multiple "breaks" from my patients, especially with a set productivity standard. So I set my goal and began my journey, naively believing that time management would be my only barrier when it came to breastfeeding.

 My son was born and our journey started out as I've heard most do; realizing the pain, the mental strain, and the insane time commitment, though I also fell in love with nurturing my son. I raised my goal, I wanted to go as long as I could possibly for both my son and myself. I wanted to prove that I could be both a working mom and provide what I felt and knew to be best for my son.

I returned to work when my son was 2.5 months and I was sad but also ready. I loved my job and missed my patients. My son started daycare at a facility that my husband, son, and I still love to this day. The daycare offered to make a place for me to come feed my son during the day but with my extensive work schedule and the distance to my job, this wasn't functional. After vast online research, I learned that I could wean my son off of two specific feedings a day and that my body would adjust to not produce milk for those feedings. I feel that a significant problem with our society is that women are not given all available options when it comes to feeding their children (and parenting in general). 

I gave up 2 daytime feedings and pumped in the middle of my shift, allowing me to BF my son 5-6/8 feedings a day and supplement with formula for the other 2-3. Initially, I expressed to my husband that I truly felt like a failure. "I should be able to do it all! BF my son and work 40+ hours a week; that's what [insert name of mom on social media] does and she makes it look easy!" Y'all, if you take nothing else away from my story, I hope it's this: you should not compare your journey to any other. It only causes pain and guilt, because you can never truly be inside a person's singular experience and each one is so unique. Do the research, ask the questions, but know that only YOU truly know what is right for you and your babies. That being said, I BF and supplemented with my son until he was 6 months and my BF journey ended by my choice, on my terms, just as they all should.

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What do you think about Ashley’s story? We love how she is confident in her choices, though they may not always be easy. Thanks for sharing Ashley!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it here!

Amelia's Journey of Breastfeeding and Supplementing

Our story this week comes from Amelia. Amelia had a great start to nursing her first child, but difficulties came soon after. While Amelia’s breastfeeding journey did not look like what she imagined, she did everything she could to provide as much as she could for her daughter!

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From the minute I discovered I was pregnant, I looked forward to that moment. The moment when she comes into this world and is placed on my chest. I looked forward to creating that bond that my mother and I had through breastfeeding. She latched right away. It was so easy in the beginning. We were latching fine, eating, forming that bond. I pumped here and there to let daddy have the experience of feeding her. Her first two weeks were great. I was producing enough to store some milk in the freezer and to feed her. Then her pediatrician told me to supplement. Being the first time mother that I am, I listened. I figured we’d get her weight up with some formula and then we’d go back to exclusively breastfeeding. Wrong. 

After supplementing my supply dropped. Then, the stress of not producing enough dropped my supply more. Then, when I thought my supply couldn’t drop any lower, my birth control knocked my output to only 3 oz in an entire day. I had breast tumors removed when I was a teenager. To make sure they didn’t come back in the future, the surgeon had to remove breast tissue. At 20, I had a reduction and skin removal after I had lost 112 pounds . I thought this all could be contributing factors to my low supply, and I was right. 

My daughter is only 12 weeks old. I’ve spent close to $200 on teas, pills, herbs, drinks, and different size flanges for my pump. I eat oatmeal everyday because I read that it increases production. I drink 4-5 body armor drinks a day. I do the hot compresses, the massages, the deep breathing, the skin to skin. Nothing works.

I wanted so badly to exclusively breastfeed. I wanted so badly to nurse. I know fed is best, but I just wanted that bond with my daughter. Since losing her interest to latch, we’ve formed a bond in other ways. Dancing with her in my arms. Singing to her in the tub. Rocking her to sleep on my bare chest. Smiling together. 

Our breastfeeding journey has been very rocky. I thought it would be so easy. It was easy for my mother, my grandmother, and my great grandmother. This is not what I expected at all. I’ve literally put my blood, sweat, and tears into it. Sore, cracked, bleeding nipples. Sweating while trying to get her to latch for 20 minutes. Crying after she wouldn’t latch. Crying when I realized formula would play a major part of her diet. Crying when I realized my body wasn’t enough to nurture my child. 

I had just recently come to terms with the fact that I can only produce 4-6 oz a day when another obstacle came my way. In September I was about 15 weeks pregnant when I was in a car accident. The other driver is believed to have been under the influence. He totaled my car. We were rear ended trying to turn when he slammed into us at around 60mph. This resulted in us being pushed down a small embankment and into a wooden fence. I was the driver. My baby was confirmed perfectly fine after an ultrasound. But, I wasn’t. My neck and back suffered some injuries. I was pregnant until March. For six months my back was untreated because we couldn’t do an MRI or X Rays. I endured the pain everyday, some days worse than others. No pain medication or pain management because I was pregnant. Going untreated led to numbness in my right arm and fingers. My heels constantly felt like they were asleep - like pins and needles. Yesterday after finally receiving an X Ray, I was told the accident caused the curve in my lumbar spine to flatten and two of my discs were herniated. I can finally receive pain management through steroids. But, this means for sometime I will have to pump (the very little that I produce) and dump. I will continue to pump though, so when I’m off the steroids I can still give my baby girl some of my breast milk. 

I was so angry at myself. I was so mad at my body. My body was made to have a baby and to nurture that baby. My body just won’t do it. Through all of this..every obstacle..my body fighting against itself, I still have not given up. I pump every two hours around the clock. I pump from 5am to 11pm. Yesterday, after 10 pumping sessions (200 minutes total) I produced 4 oz of milk. That’s one more oz than the day before. Four ounces..just enough for one feeding. So this morning my baby girl's first bottle was all me. My blood, sweat, and tears. 200 minutes of me. Four ounces of me. It’s very little to be proud of, but I am proud. My beautiful baby girl is healthy and happy. That’s all that matters to me.

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What do you think about Amelia’s story? We think she has done (and is doing) an amazing job feeding her girls! Thanks for sharing!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story on our blog? Submit it here!

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Jackie's Story

Our story this week comes from Jackie! She had some difficult experiences that she used to learn from and in turn, help others who end up on the same path.

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My breastfeeding journey begins with my older son Andrew’s birth, six years ago. My milk was slow to come in, he had an undiagnosed tongue and lip tie, and he struggled with weight gain throughout the newborn stage. We didn’t sleep. We needed so much help.  I’d count the ounces he’d need to have gained before appointments. I struggled to stay afloat emotionally during this time and developed postpartum depression and anxiety. I judged my success as a mother on my ability to feed my baby. I lost my supply early.  My son and I are very close and switching to formula brought me peace in knowing I was giving him what he needed. It helped to save our relationship. We were both happier.

During those early, hard times, I built a village. I found it integral to my healing and my anxiety lessened. I had built a bridge. I joined a Mom and Baby group nearby and met other parents who had also struggled. After learning as much as I did through our experiences, I became a birth and postpartum doula.  I wanted to assist other new breastfeeding parents with their journeys.  I could empathize with them and what they were going through.  I built a successful birth and postpartum doula service. 

Due to my postpartum experience, I was nervous to become pregnant again. We waited quite a while to decide what we wanted to do.  I then began dealing with fertility issues.  After over a year of assorted tests, surgeries, and medications My fertility specialist declared my uterus was “not compatible with pregnancy;” he recommended a hysterectomy. I was devastated at first to learn that the choice to have another baby had been taken from us.  It appeared my body had made a different plan for me. We had a surgery date booked for October 1, 2018.  

It was mid-September, the night before my hysterectomy pre-operative appointment at the hospital. I had just left a postpartum client’s home. I had a strange feeling due to some highly irregular bleeding I had.  I decided to pull over in a corn field to take a pregnancy test. My husband used to poke fun at me calling me a pregnancy test-oholic; I wanted to avoid the guessing and just get my peace of mind, alone. In hindsight, I recognize how strange it is to take a pregnancy test in a cornfield. There it was, it lit up like a Christmas tree. A great big positive test in the middle of a cornfield. 

Very shortly after, I suffered a mass hemorrhage. I thought it was the end before it truly began. I was heartbroken. I went to the hospital expecting the worst. 

However... it wasn’t over. There was my tiny flicker on the screen. 

My tiny miracle baby dubbed “the little ovum who could” joined us earthside last May. Her name is Arden Claire. 

Though she latched eagerly right after being born, she had the most severe tongue tie I’d seen on a baby and quite the lip tie. We had them sorted and lasered but we still struggled with her weight gain and my milk production. We got assistance from our doulas and midwives. We traveled  to world renowned Dr. Jack Newman’s Clinic in Toronto and got some amazing support. I was put on the medication Domperidone to increase supply and flow. I used a lactation aid (tubing to the breast) to help fill my little baby’s belly. We did that for six weeks. After that, topped up with bottles. 

At seven weeks, Arden developed a strange and unexpected case of summer RSV. She went into respiratory distress and stopped breathing twice. We were placed in the Pediatric Critical Care Unit for a day and a half and then transferred to pediatric inpatient for the remainder of our six day stay. She was tube fed. My tiny baby’s body fought so hard to get air. She perked up, grinning at nurses and doctors who rounded on her regularly. They said “she wasn’t the kind of baby you underestimate.” They didn’t know half of it. I pumped every three hours around the clock to try and get enough milk for her. I nearly lost my supply. I was scared she’d never nurse again, but she was recovering. After five days of being tube fed, she came back to the breast like a champ. It was like she had never left. I cried and cheered with my nurse. They cried right along with me. 

Arden regained her strength and has been healthy since. I was supposed to go back to work last week being off for a year with her. I was going to let nature take its course when it came to weaning. Part of me truly wants my space and my body back. However, with the Covid-19 situation, my plans of weaning have been shelved as I feel it’s something tangible I can do to help protect my wee lass with the antibodies she receives. 

I’m currently awaiting my own breast milk jewelry made by Milk+Honey. It will symbolize the love I have for both my children, perseverance, paying it forward, and rising strong. 

Thank you for reading our story. 

Jackie and Arden

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What do you think about Jackie’s story? We love how she turned her difficult situations into learning experiences and in turn, figured out how to help others! Thanks for sharing Jackie!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it here!

Breastfeeding in the NICU - Kelsee's Story

Our story this week comes from Kelsee. She always knew she would breastfeed, but after some unexpected events, that wouldn’t prove to be easy. Yet Kelsee pushed on and worked hard to provide for her daughter as best as she could!

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I always knew I would breastfeed, even before I got pregnant. My mom nursed me and her mom nursed her. There is nothing like the feeling of feeding your baby with food produced by your own body. I didn’t think it was even a possibility that I wouldn’t get to have that. The breastfeeding and parenting journey I was embarking on would put to the test all of my capabilities.

At 41+3 weeks, I reluctantly went to the hospital for an induction, wishing I could have birthed naturally like I had planned. After my labor stalled and I experienced several drops in my baby’s heart rate, I needed to get a c-section. While I was terrified of getting surgery, I knew I had to be strong. I had no idea how strong I would have to be for the coming weeks ahead.

When they pulled her out of me, I didn’t hear her cry. It’s impossible to describe the feeling of that moment. True, guttural fear. All my worst anxieties while I was pregnant seemed to be coming true. I kept screaming for someone to tell me she was alive but no one would answer me. Either they didn’t know or they didn’t want to risk me doing something to endanger myself on the table. It felt like one of those nightmares where you keep screaming for help and everyone around you doesn’t seem to hear you, and you keep trying because that’s all you can do. After what felt like hours, they asked my husband if he wanted to see her and when he came back he told me they had resuscitated her and were keeping her alive with chest compressions. They took her away without letting me see her. 

The first time seeing and touching her

After my mandatory hour in the recovery room, they took me to her room. She was blue, swollen, and breathing with the help of a ventilator. I reached out and touched her foot. Her toes were wonky just like mine and she smelled familiar. I could only stay for a few minutes but I named her in my head as soon as I saw her because I wasn’t sure if she was going to live and I needed her to have a name.

The beginning was a blur. My husband and I stayed with her in the hospital for the first nine days but time lost all meaning. We had no idea this would happen but we wouldn’t have been able to prepare ourselves even if we did. It was so hard to watch our child in pain and have no control over it. I didn’t feel like a mother. I wasn’t changing her diapers or feeding her. I could only hold her for a few minutes a day. I was helpless and lost. But I did have control over what she ate. So I decided I would do whatever it took to keep her on breastmilk and I hooked myself up to the pump.

I was recovering from surgery and barely sleeping or eating, but the stress from pumping was nothing compared to the stress of seeing my newborn hooked up to oxygen, monitors, IV’s, etc. So I pumped every 3 hours, night and day. She got tube fed every 3 hours and I needed to make sure I had enough for it each time, even as they were increasing her feeds day by day. Every single drop went to my baby, and when she was NPO (not being fed), I would freeze it. Thankfully, my husband was sleeping in the tiny hospital bed with me and would wash my pump parts for me each time. No one else felt the pain I was in like he did and so we continued each day as best we could together.

At some point a lactation consultant visited me and told me I needed to increase the intensity of the machine. It was so painful and I didn’t want to but I complied. My nipples were so chapped they were bleeding but I kept pumping. I had a clogged milk duct in one of my breast’s but I put a heating pad on and kept pumping. After a few days, my vision was blurring and I was incredibly weak. I thought it was because I wasn’t taking care of myself after my surgery, but I actually had lost too much blood. I got a blood transfusion and was stuck to my bed but still I kept pumping.

I was so terrified of what was happening to my daughter that I didn’t even realize or process what I was doing to myself in order to make enough milk for her. I was in a constant state of hypervigilance. I didn’t know if she was going to survive so this intense stress response inside of me never went away and even thinking about it puts me on high alert. Seeing my hard work in her bottle gave me a sliver of joy and satisfaction in an otherwise nightmare of an experience. My body was undergoing huge changes, mentally and physically, on top of the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with the NICU experience. Any normal mother has a chance of having postpartum depression or anxiety but as a NICU mother it’s almost a guarantee.

My milk supply finally became adequate enough for her feeds and I stopped threatening my health over it. I kept pumping and it was no longer painful. My nipples stopped bleeding and my milk duct became unclogged. She couldn’t feed by mouth, but at least she was getting my breastmilk. 

A week or so after her heart surgery

We eventually transferred her to a different hospital with a more advanced NICU and care team that could fix her. After an attempted catheterization, one open heart surgery, a diaphragm plication, and more tests and pricks than I can count, we went home. We went home with an NG tube through her nose and she learned how to nurse but only for a few minutes. She had no stamina or instinct for feeding herself anymore so she had surgery for a more permanent option, a gastrostomy tube, where I can continue to give her breastmilk with a feeding pump. 7 months postpartum now and my milk supply has been dropping so we are having to supplement but I’m okay because I know I’ve done my absolute best. I know I should have been kinder to myself in the beginning but we’re here now and I’m proud of myself for being able to give her breastmilk even with everything we went through. It’s not the journey I had hoped for, but when you go through that kind of trauma, your perspective changes pretty dramatically. I am grateful every day that I was lucky enough to be able to take her home with me and that is enough.

How we eat now.

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What do you think about Kelsee’s story? While she faced some pretty tough circumstances, we think she did an amazing job of providing for her daughter! Thanks for sharing Kelsee!

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