Milk + Honey

NICU

How Shannon discovered Triple-Feeding in the NICU

Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding Story, NICUMaria MengelComment

This story comes from Shannon. Shannon discoved triple-feeding after a NICU stay with her first and found exclusive pumping the best option for her with her second. Read on to see how different her two stories are!


My breastfeeding journey started when I delivered my son at 29 weeks.  I unfortunately had many complications and was initially concerned about getting well enough to visit my son. I received a care package from an organization Today Is A Good Day, with items to help navigate the NICU. Inside was a bracelet that had “One day at a time” inscribed on it.  That ended up being my motto for our NICU and breastfeeding journey. Although my son was doing well in the NICU in the back of my mind I knew at any minute that could change and each good day was a step closer to having my son home. Providing breast milk for him was one thing I felt like I had some control over.

“I was so proud of myself when I was able to fill that syringe up.”

I vaguely remember a nurse asking me while recovering on the mom unit if I started pumping.  Shortly after she got us a pump and educated my husband.  Next thing I remember my husband was cracking open heating pads, warming me and helping me self express into a medicine cup.  We would then pull up the colostrum into a 5 ml syringe.  Then my husband would take it to the NICU.  After 24 hours I was able to hold my son.  The nurses encouraged me to continue to pump every 2-4 hours and to look at pictures or videos of my son while pumping. I was then moved to the maternity unit which was rough because I could hear other families and babies crying.  I got a message from the NICU that I needed more milk.  And if I couldn’t produce enough I could consent to using donor milk.  I didn’t want to use donor milk because there was just a case advertised on the news about milk being contaminated.  Luckily my younger sister was also breastfeeding and donated 6 ounces. I had never seen anyone else pump and was shocked how quickly she got those 6 ounces.  This special gift gave me time to allow my milk to come in.  As the days went on my supply came in and I was happy to continue to have enough milk for my son.  I was never stressed about having enough because he was taking less than I was pumping. I quickly graduated from syringes to” snappies” which held 2.5 oz.  My son was about a month old when we attempted to latch, we gave it a few tries with a breast shield.  The breast shield was helpful but hard to manage with one hand, along with all the cords my son was attached to.  I didn’t have high expectations, I just wanted us both to get comfortable.  At this time he still had a feeding tube

Learning how to take a bottle in NICU.

Eventually he was introduced to a bottle and we all were concerned about how much he could drink.  Whatever he didn’t finish was then placed in his feeding tube. I wasn’t attempting to breastfeed because I wanted him to be able to drink independently and knew this was a big goal to accomplish to go home. As time went on I got in a rhythm with pumping.  I had a schedule, got a 2nd set of pieces and kept one set at the NICU and one set at home.  We would still attempt to latch before feeding here and there.  I will never forget the time I got a message from his nurse saying that he finished his first bottle. I was so excited and knew he was closer to coming home.  Then a few days later, he finished a bottle with me.  I felt so accomplished.  I was never concerned or disappointed we were not breastfeeding, I was just happy I had enough to feed him and that it was helping him grow.  Exactly 2 months after we entered the NICU we were discharged.  I still have the voicemail of the doctor stating that he was cleared to be discharged and it was a great day to go home.  The same doctor was there when we were leaving. He asked how breastfeeding was going and I admitted I hadn’t been trying much because I was concerned about him taking his feeds independently. He encouraged me to keep trying and reminded me that he was still not a full term baby. And that some 40 week babies take weeks to figure it out.

Once home I continued to pump. But would attempt to latch and then give him a bottle and then pump.  I think the correct term is triple feed.  We tried different positions.  He preferred to nurse while I was laying down on my side.  We had follow up appointments with his NICU provider and they encouraged visiting a lactation consultant.  We went and they helped us with additional positions to try.  We began to get more comfortable but were still triple feeding.  My maternity leave was quickly coming to an end and I was debating if I should continue attempting to breastfeed or just pump.  Then the pandemic hit, and we were going to be home longer. At this point it was a little added motivation. My son was about 6 months old when we figured it out. We exclusively breastfeed until he was 25 months old.  We only stopped because I was expecting baby two in a few weeks.

Our last milk bank donation!


My second breastfeeding experience was very different.  My second son was born at 37 weeks. He immediately attempted to latch after birth.  I had some difficulty getting in a comfortable position in the hospital but we kept giving it a shot. He would get very sleepy and fall asleep and was only nursing for  5-10 minutes. Lactation consultant suggested self expressing into a spoon. That’s what we did. Once we got home we continued to attempt to breastfeed but he would get frustrated or distracted by his big brother. I also felt bad nursing him in front of my first son because he wanted to nurse as well.  Eventually, out of habit  I began pumping and feeding my son with a bottle. He seemed to enjoy the bottle more and at the time I was just satisfied he was being fed and getting the nutrients to grow and flourish.  I exclusively pumped for my 2nd son until he was about 18 months. It wasn't always easy but it's what worked out best for us. He began to wean himself around 15 months. I had a hard time decreasing my pumping schedule and it took about two months to eliminate my milk. Now that my breastfeeding journeys are over I'm sometimes sad I didn't have the same motivation the second time around but remind myself I was blessed to have a great supply to provide to my boys and other babies.  I ended up donating 603 ounces to a local milk bank that supplied donor milk to NICUs. And also donated about another 600 ounces to local moms.  I'm still holding on to some and got two beautiful pieces made by Milk and Honey.  I decided to share my stories to show other moms that everyone's breastfeeding stories are different and unique.  Whatever your body was able to do whether it was days,  months or years it is an accomplishment and special memory you will have with your child or children. 

Shannon with both of her adorable boys!

Shannon showing off her Milk+Honey Petite Pearl Choker made with milk from both her boys and her Milk+Honey Pearl Earrings (also using both milks)!


What do you think about Shannon’s story? We think she did amazing! Thanks for sharing Shannon!


Would you like to share your breastfeeding story on our blog? Submit it here!


As a “thank you” for being an amazing supporter of Milk + Honey and reading to the bottom of this blog, we want to offer you a discount on anything in our collection! Please use code BLOG10 at checkout for 10% your order total.

Megan's Breastfeeding Story from the NICU

Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding Story, NICU, ParentingMaria Mengel1 Comment

Our breastfeeding story this week comes from Megan. Megan shares her story of pumping for her daughter in the NICU.


My breastfeeding story is not the typical one or the story I thought I would have. My husband and I are high school sweethearts and imagined having multiple children early on. We waited until we were 28 to get married, traveled a bit, and I decided to get off of birth control after a year of marriage. My doctor warned me it could take some time to regulate, but I was not ready for the journey we were going to have. 

We started trying to conceive in 2018 and did not have an easy time. My period never came and after 6 months of trying to regulate, I had to be put on medication to induce my period. My gynecologist at the time did blood work and realized I was not ovulating when I was supposed to be and that my testosterone was high. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2018 and was sent to a PCOS specialist/Fertility doctor. At this time, I was working for a school that did not cover fertility treatments, so we had to wait until I changed jobs and/or switched to my husband's insurance. Thankfully I got a new teaching job in a District that covered fertility in 2019. 

The reason that we went to this specific fertility doctor was because he was a PCOS specialist. My husband and I both did bloodwork and I was put on Metformin to help with my PCOS and to lose weight. At this time I began working out and watching what I was eating, trying to be healthy so I could conceive. The only way I would get a regular period was if I was weight lifting 3 times a week and was under a certain weight. This was not the best time of my life and then COVID happened and the world stopped. 

We had to pause all our fertility treatments/plans because of COVID. Once we were able to begin again, things that happened at our doctor started to question if we were at the right fertility office for us. They gave us condescending information, wanted my husband to retake tests that he already took, and finally they gave us wrong test results. This last step was when we decided we needed to find a new fertility doctor. We ended up switching fertility doctors and got very lucky and got pregnant on our first round of IUI in January of 2021, with a due date of September 28. We decided we didn’t want to know the gender and wanted to be surprised. 

Since this was a fertility pregnancy and with a diagnosis of a short cervix, I was considered high risk. I would see my normal OB and then a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor regularly. While preparing for the baby and not knowing the gender, we decided to make the nursery a Harry Potter theme. My husband and I are both obsessed with books and movies. This would be a perfect theme for our new addition. We had our nursery planned, showers planned, a mini babymoon planned and were so excited for the third trimester! 

During our babymoon, I started having leg pain and chest pain. I was 27 weeks and was cleared to travel by my OB. I assumed it was just because we drove 8 hours to Tennessee and was being affected by the elevation. I was swollen for most of my pregnancy, but my blood pressure was always okay. When we got back from Tennessee, I had my normal 28 week check up (even though I was 27+3 at the time). The OB found protein in my urine and my liver enzymes were elevated. 

I was first hospitalized on July 2, 2021 for preeclampsia monitoring. We spent the 4th of July weekend in the hospital, but were lucky since we had a surround sound view of fireworks. By Monday, my liver enzymes went back to normal and I was put on bedrest at home with weekly appointments with my MFM doctor and my OB. I was not allowed to start the school year in August, and was told we were going to keep the baby in for as long as possible. Three days after I was released from the hospital at my first MFM appointment, I was hospitalized again because my baby’s umbilical cord was being affected by my blood pressure being so high. 

I delivered our daughter on July 8, 2021 (we didn’t know what we were having!) at 28+2. We named her Nora. My preeclampsia turned into HELLP syndrome and I had an emergency c-section, which I was put under for. My platelets were at 44 when I went into surgery and I needed a blood transfusion. She was in the NICU for 76 days and my breastfeeding journey was pumping because that was literally the only thing I could do. Since I am a teacher and on summer break, I was pumping every 3-4 hours – at home and while visiting Nora in the NICU. When Nora was first born, she was only getting a very tiny amount, so each of my pumps was feeding her for a few days. I had a fairly normal supply and would pump anywhere from 2-6 ounces every pump. I filled up the NICU freezer and our freezer at home. It was a long time until I actually had to bring milk to the hospital since I pumped there everyday. 

Due to all this pumping and freezing, I was able to feed Nora through her NICU stay and up until she was 4 months old / 1 month adjusted. Nora was able to come home on September 22, 2021. I stopped fresh pumping in the beginning of October, and she ate all of the frozen milk. 

Pumping was exhausting, but it was the only thing I had control of while she was in the NICU. It, honestly, was the only thing that made me feel like a real mom for those 76 days. I found Milk + Honey on Instagram, and at first I thought it was weird…. But then I started my own journey and realized how special this is and how time consuming and close it made me and Nora.

I got a ring and I wear it on my thumb. It has gold and red flakes - gold and red to represent Gryffindor House and red for Nora’s birthstone, which is a Ruby. I adore my breast milk mothers ring because it reminds me of what Nora and I overcame and how our relationship started. If Nora would be lucky enough to attend Hogwarts, she would for sure be in Gryffindor House for her bravery. It’s amazing to me how much she has already done in her short life and I am so lucky to be her mother through this all.


What do you think about Megan’s story? We think she did an awesome job! Thanks for sharing Megan!


Would you like to share your breastfeeding story on our blog? Submit it here!

Breastfeeding in the PICU

NICU, Breastfeeding Story, Breastfeeding, ParentingMaria MengelComment

Our story this week comes from Brianna. Read on to hear how she pushed through and persevered to provide breastmilk for her son in a time when she felt otherwise helpless to do anythign for him.


breastfeeding in the PICU

I grew up in a home where breastfeeding was a frequent conversation topic. My mother is a lactation specialist, and it wasn’t uncommon for her to be helping a new mom with a breastfeeding question at the dinner table. When I had my daughter I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but our feeding journey was a roller coaster from the start. She wasn’t able to latch, she had tongue and lip ties, she fell asleep as soon as we started a feeding, and my milk supply was low. We had her ties reversed, but she still wasn’t able to nurse. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding for the three months of my materiality leave, and when it was time to go back to work we switched to formula. I felt guilty for being so relieved, but I truly hated pumping. It took me a long time to unpack the emotions I felt in those first few months. Ultimately I’ve come to learn that my worth as a woman and a mother isn’t defined by being able to breastfeed. Those months of pumping showed me that I was strong and determined, but they also taught me that my mental health is more important than where the milk comes from. A fed baby is a happy baby.

breastfeeding in the PICU

Fast forward to this past June when I was pregnant with our second baby. I told myself I was not going to put as much pressure on myself as I did last time. I almost didn’t even order a pump through insurance this time around, because I knew I didn’t want to pump again. I wasn’t going back to work because of COVID, so I figured I would breastfeed or bottle feed and that would be that. When our son Milo was born it was immediately different. He was rooting and latched right away. He didn’t have tongue or lip ties, and breastfeeding seemed to click. When we were discharged the next day I was feeling confident and thankful that feeding was looking easier this time.

Unfortunately the next several weeks were filled with frequent visits to the pediatrician. Milo lost 13% of his birth weight and was slow to gain it back. My milk was late to come in and once again my supply seemed low. I kept nursing, supplemented with formula for a few weeks, and by the time he was two months old he was finally gaining well and he was exclusively breastfeeding.

breastfeeding in the PICU

We were glad to be done with frequent doctor visits, until a couple weeks later when Milo woke up and something wasn’t quite right. He was fussy and he didn’t want to eat. He would cry every time I tried to get him to latch, but with a lot of effort he would finally nurse. The next morning he woke up, nursed once, and over the next couple hours we knew something was wrong. He didn’t have a fever, but he was unable to nurse and he seemed lethargic. We saw the pediatrician who believed he was constipated and dehydrated. She sent us to the local emergency room, and we were admitted. When we got to the ER I realized since I hadn’t nursed him all day, I needed to pump. I called my husband to retrieve the Spectra pump I had begrudgingly ordered and stuck in the closet. I pumped that evening and tried to syringe feed Milo, figuring the next day he would nurse again once he was feeling better. However, the next morning he was worse. He was unable to swallow and was making this awful, low, whining cry. He was more lethargic than the day before, and I knew something was very wrong. We were transferred, via ambulance, to a nearby children’s hospital. As the day went on I watched my sweet baby get sicker and sicker. He could not swallow, he could not move, he could hardly cry. At one point, his oxygen saturation dropped, and the pediatric team initiated our transfer from the peds floor to the pediatric ICU. When we arrived on the floor Milo was immediately evaluated by the PICU team. The attending, who I will forever be grateful for, examined him for several minutes and then said, “I think this is botulism.”

My husband arrived just as the team was leaving (up until this point I had been by myself due to COVID policies) and the attending reviewed his plan with us. Our son was presumed to have infant botulism, and the attending recommended we begin the treatment immediately. The drug used to treat botulism is an orphan drug called BabyBIG. It’s only made in California, and each dose must be made and transported as needed. Testing to confirm botulism takes several days, so it is recommended that treatment begin without confirmation when botulism is suspected. The team requested the dose of BabyBIG right away and it arrived in New York roughly 12 hours later. Milo received the dose of BabyBIG almost immediately, and then we just had to wait and hope the diagnosis was correct.

breastfeeding in the PICU

Over the next several days the PICU team ran test after test to rule out other diagnoses (meningitis, genetic disorders, metabolic disorders, etc.) while waiting to confirm botulism. During this time, our son was intubated, sedated, and a feeding tube was placed. Botulism toxin blocks nerve endings from being able to contract muscles, so as the toxin moves through the body it slows digestion, motor movement, swallowing, and breathing; essentially paralysis. When the feeding tube was placed, it was my first chance to feed him in days. My milk supply had tanked, as I was mainly pumping for comfort, but something ignited within me and I was determined. Sitting in a PICU room with a sick baby makes you feel helpless, but pumping was something I could do. He could still have breast milk through that feeding tube. So I got to work. Family members made and dropped off lactation cookies, my mother sent supplements, I got appropriate sized flanges from the hospital's lactation consultant, and I pumped. I pumped every 2-3 hours for the next week and a half, and that precious milk went right into the kangaroo feeding bag connected to his NG tube. As exhausted as I was, I was glad to be able to do anything to take care of him in such a helpless situation.

breastfeeding in the PICU

Four days after receiving the BabyBIG, Milo was showing progress. He was beginning to move his arms and legs. The next day he opened his eyes. A couple days later he was breathing on his own. Slowly his suck started coming back. It was incredible watching everything he lost be reversed as his muscle strength and movement were restored. On the day he was extubated we were finally allowed to hold him again, and that was spectacular. Soon after, he was cleared for non nutritive nursing, so I would pump and then he would latch and essentially “practice nursing” while receiving his NG feed. It was exhausting, but seeing progress each day helped us move forward.

Toward the end of our stay he completed a fiberoptic endoscopic evaluation of swallowing (FEES) to determine if he was safe to resume oral feedings. He passed, but they wanted him to start off with bottle feedings. Those feedings were challenging because he wasn’t a bottle fed baby and he didn’t have the stamina to complete a bottle feeding. After a day of bottle feeding attempts, and some advocating on my part, they cleared him for nursing instead. Once again I felt relief as part of my breastfeeding journey, but for totally different reasons. My baby was back in my arms nursing and my hard work to restore my milk supply had paid off.

breastfeeding in the PICU

Many babies with botulism are discharged from the hospital with their feeding tubes, as the swallow can be impacted for a variable amount of time, but after two days of successful nursing Milo’s feeding tube was able to be removed. While that was an exciting moment, nothing compared to the following day when we were discharged, two weeks to the day were admitted.

I’m so in awe of Milo's strength and resiliency. While we were in the hospital several people told us, “he won’t remember any of this.” True, he won’t, but we sure will. I will never forget seeing him in that hospital bed, and I won’t ever take for granted the ability to hold and feed my baby. I’m so proud to have persevered with pumping and that our breastfeeding journey can continue. There will still be hard days; we are parenting a baby and a five year-old after all, but thankfully this little guy has smiles in spades.

Breastfeeding in the PICU

What do you think about Brianna’s story? We think she did an incredible job at doing the best she could for her babies! Thanks for sharing Brianna!


Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it
here!

Laura's Story of Overcoming and Finding the Right Help

Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding Story, Extended Breastfeeding, NICU, ParentingMaria MengelComment

This week, our story comes from Laura. One thing we love about Laura’s story is how she faced many challenges in her breastfeeding journey, but she sought help and didn’t give up!


Before my son was born, I knew I wanted to at least attempt to breastfeed. I wasn’t against formula by any means, but I knew there were some amazing benefits to breastmilk for baby and mama, and to me there was something incredible about feeding my baby the way babies have been fed for centuries.

breastfeeing after preeclampsia

Throughout my pregnancy, my blood pressure increased little by little, but the doctors weren’t overly worried about it. Around 33 weeks my ankles started to get really swollen but at my 34 week appointment, my blood pressure was fine. At 35 weeks 6 days, my ankles were getting even more swollen than normal, and I could feel the swelling climbing up my leg. The school nurse took my blood pressure, and it came up as 180/120. She said she wasn’t sure it was working correctly, but she calmly suggested I go to the hospital. I checked into the hospital at 5:30pm, and my blood pressure was so high that the nurse said “Wow, that’s impressive.” I had severe pre-eclampsia, and they said we were going to have our baby that night. Our son Angus was born via emergency c-section at 8:01pm, weighing 5lbs15oz.

For the first 24 hours of my son’s life I was stuck in bed because of blood pressure medication. Angus was still in the NICU being monitored for breathing, and his blood oxygen levels kept dropping below 90. I only got to see him every 2-3 hours when they brought him to me, and only for short visits. The nurses started to talk to me about breastfeeding, and one of the nurses expressed colostrum from my breasts so they could start to feed Angus through an NG tube (through his nose). They gave me a pump and taught me how to use it. I tried to nurse Angus when they brought him in to visit, but he fell asleep pretty much right away every time, so I continued with pumping. Since he was so small, they asked if I wanted to only feed him MY breast milk, whether I was comfortable with using donated breast milk in addition to mine, and whether I was comfortable supplementing with formula to add more calories. At that point, my only concern was about my son being healthy and to get him growing, so I agreed to using both donated milk and formula, and I kept pumping every 2-3 hours.

After a few days my production started to increase and the nurses didn’t have to use any donor milk anymore, but we were adding formula to my milk for extra calories. After 2 days of getting milk through the NG tube, Angus started to drink from bottles. They took out his NG tube, which was really exciting, but he still wasn’t doing great with nursing. The NICU nurses said that it was normal for babies born before 37 weeks to struggle, because they don’t understand the suck-swallow-breathe pattern. The lactation consultant at the hospital came by several times during our stay, and she helped us with proper positioning. She also suggested using a nipple shield, so we did. Angus was in the NICU for 13 days. The hospital had a great program where if they had extra rooms I could sleep at the hospital for as long as he was there. I was able to stay there almost the entire time, getting up for every feeding. We would try nursing for a few minutes, then I would pump and then bottle feed him. The night before he was going to be discharged, I slept at home, slept an extra hour or two between pumps, and I developed my first of a few bouts with a clogged duct and mastitis. We got settled at home, but I was getting up every 3 hours to triple feed (nurse, bottle feed, pump). My husband sometimes offered to do the nighttime feedings but I had to pump anyway, so I was up every 3 hours for weeks. His pediatrician asked us to keep supplementing with formula. Angus and I both cried many times over the next 5 weeks; he was slow to figure out nursing, and I was so frustrated at every feeding. I felt like I was somehow failing him, even though he was thriving and a very happy baby.

breastfeeding after preeclampsia

I started to seek out lactation help since we were not making much progress. I went to a lactation appointment at the hospital, and she said “He’s a mystery to me” which was not helpful or reassuring. I started going to the breastfeeding support group at the hospital. The woman running the group was another lactation consultant, and she did in-home lactation visits. I was starting to give up hope that he would nurse, but I set up a home visit with her. Having her come into my home was so much less stressful than going into the hospital for a visit. She helped me relax and taught me strategies to get him more interested in nursing, rather than forcing it at feeding time. She suggested we spend as much time as possible doing skin-to-skin, letting him find his way there on his own, and assuring me that him falling asleep at the breast wasn’t a bad thing, it just meant he was content there! She also encouraged me to take a break during some of the feeds, and to not force it if it wasn’t going well.

Slowly, we both started to get more comfortable, and nursing became less stressful and more successful. I distinctly remember when he was crying after his first set of shots, that was the first feeding that felt really successful. After our second lactation visit (at 7 weeks old), after watching him nurse, she suggested that we try exclusively nursing for a week and see how it went. I was nervous, and there was one night when Angus was upset ALL. NIGHT. LONG. At the end of that week, he had lost weight. I realized that he must have been hungry that entire night, and I was devastated. The following week we went back to a bottle or two per day with extra calories, but Angus was doing even better with nursing, and it felt like he was finally nursing until he was satisfied. That week he gained almost 10 ounces! From there, we weaned off the bottles and exclusively nursed. We were still using nipple shields at that point, and slowly we weaned off those too. I went back to work when he was 15 weeks. I pumped on the way to and from work every day (thank goodness for a battery operated pump and a hands free bra!), and twice during the day to make sure he had enough milk to drink at daycare. I work in different schools every day as a consultant, so I was pumping in storage closets most days. It was really challenging to plan my day around pumping and there were days when I missed pumps or didn’t pump enough. At that point, I had set myself the goal of making it to a year, but

breastfeeding after preeclampsia

I was ready to be done pumping. In March, when he was 11 months old, we got quarantined because of COVID-19, so we surpassed our year goal with no problem! It is much easier for me to let him nurse than it is to make a snack!

Angus is 14 months old now, and he still nurses several times a day. Some days those are the only times my son slows down and the only snuggles I get! Struggling through the first two months of our breastfeeding journey gives me so much more appreciation for every single feed we have together. Even if he decides to stop nursing tomorrow, it will be one of the things I’m most proud of as a mom. For any moms who have their heart or mind set on breastfeeding, I highly suggest recruiting a lactation consultant if you can to help figure out your journey! And no matter what, remember that you are the best mom for your baby, and only you and your baby know what’s right for you two!

breastfeeding after preeclampsia
breastfeeding after preeclampsia

What do you think about Laura’s story? We think she did an awesome job reaching out for help until she found the help she needed! Thanks for sharing Laura!
Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it
here!

Danielle's Story: When Breastfeeding Doesn't Come "Naturally"

Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding Story, Extended Breastfeeding, NICU, ParentingMaria MengelComment

This week’s story comes from Danielle. Danielle learned first hand how something so natural doesn’t always come easy. She pushed through and overcame obstacles to feed her son!


Before even getting pregnant I always knew I wanted to breastfeed my children. Being a nanny I always saw moms nursing their children and they made it seem so easy, so why would I ever be anxious about when it would be my turn? I was wrong! The first time I was stressed about breastfeeding was when I was pregnant, I feared if I would even have enough milk to feed my baby. The stress wasn’t even about a latch, it was the supply. 

Fast forward to when my son was born, I had a complicated birth so after he arrived he was taken to the nicu for 6 hrs before I could even attempt to breastfeed. When it was time he wouldn’t latch, my nipples were considered too flat. While in the hospital the nurses wanted me to attempt to latch and then after a feed to pump out the colostrum to give my baby the next feed after attempting to latch again. Everytime I had to do this I called my nurse in to help me or to just evaluate what I was doing, cause of course being a first time mom I thought I was doing everything wrong! I probably apologized to my nurses more than I've apologized to anyone in my life, but that’s what they are there for.

After going home I had to use the boppy since the hold I had to have my baby in was so awkward, I also started using nipple shields although the nurses told me not to. I went on like this for 2 whole months!!!! On top of figuring out how to breastfeed after thinking it came so natural to moms (that’s a huge lie) my son had a dairy sensitivity. I had to cut out everything dairy in my diet to help my son thrive off of my breast milk and that was honestly so exhausting being on such a strict diet caring for not only myself but my son. Finally as my son got older it became more and more comfortable for us, it probably wasn’t till my son turned 8 months when I didn’t even have to think about what I was doing to feed him. Through our breastfeeding journey I donated 500+ ounces of breastmilk to other babies in need. I ended up having an oversupply and my son didn’t take bottles so anything I pumped I gave away. I told myself once he turned 1 I was going to stop but then 18 months came around and now my son just turned 2 years old on March 22nd 2020, we’re still going strong. Not sure or how to stop but I think at this point I’m leaving it up to him. 

when breastfeeding is hard

My advice for new moms who are having a hard time would be to be easy on yourself, both you and your baby are learning something very new. It takes a lot of time and patience but IT GETS EASIER! I actually hated hearing people tell me “it gets easier” because it doesn’t help me with what’s going on right then and there, but I promise it does get easier.

when breastfeeding is hard
when breastfeeding is hard

What do you think about Danielle’s story? She did an awesome job doing what was best for her son! Thanks for sharing Danielle!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story on our blog? Submit it here!

Breinne's Story - Finding the "Sterling" Silver Lining

Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding Story, NICUMaria MengelComment

This week’s story comes from Breinne. She shares how her world was turned upside down so quickly, facing unimaginiable circumstances. Be sure to grab a box of tissues.


Sterling's story begins on a chilly, December night. Stockings were hung, twinkly lights strung, and I had just settled in for the night. After washing and folding tiny baby clothes and blankets, I curled up on the couch next to my husband. I rested my hand on my round belly and quietly requested, "Please don't come tonight, okay?" There were dishes in the sink that I was too tired to wash. I was exhausted from a day of shopping and preparing, all while carrying a 38 week baby in bump and caring for 4 other children. "You can come tomorrow if you'd like."

A little while later, my water broke. I laughed as I jumped to my feet. My husband filled the birth pool, while I called the midwife. 

Infancy loss

On December 5th, 2019, at 12:02am, our 5th baby was born. Head full of dark hair, slightly bigger for a newborn, yet small in comparison to the rest of the world, Sterling Wilde had made his way earthside and he certainly had something to say about it. He swept us away with his loud, strong cry. We moved from the pool to the bed. Skin to skin, Sterling began his breast crawl and when he was ready, he latched, thus beginning our breastfeeding relationship. He nursed like a champ. I stared down at my little nursling, blown away by his beauty and his soft, round features. I should've known then he was an angel.

Urea Cycle Disorder

The next morning, grandparents, Auntie and Uncle visited. I dressed him in a little onesie and a beanie and swaddled him in a blanket. Little did I know, in my naive and blissful state, that this would be the only outfit I would ever have the chance of dressing him in. We had one night and one glorious day of normal with our sweet Sterling. Then, our nightmare began.

Later that night, with the other four all tucked in bed, Sterling began having trouble. He would latch on to eat, but quickly unlatch, without suckling a drop. His breathing sounded labored. Little sighs after each breath, eventually turned to grunting noises, as we rushed our 1 day old baby into the emergency room. Terrified of the road ahead, we watched and waited, while frantic doctors and nurses crowded around our brand new son. 

Test after test was run on our son. We anxiously waited as doctors searched for answers, to no avail. Every test came back negative. We had no answers. We knew Sterling couldn't breathe on his own. Then, we watched in horror as his tiny organs started failing. Sterling was revived and kept stable. I pumped tearfully at his bedside, day after day, every 2-3 hours. I prayed for miracles. I prayed and I pumped. The ounces never passed through his lips, but instead, were passed on to the nurse, to add to the freezer. I had hoped that he would one day be well enough to be nourished by this precious liquid.

Urea Cycle Disorder

On December 11th, our hopes and dreams were shattered along with our hearts. Sterling was diagnosed with a rare Urea Cycle Disorder called OTC Deficiency that morning. He had suffered extensive brain damage from high ammonia levels caused by his disorder. Since his brain wasn't functioning, none of his other organs could either. We knew we didn't have much time with him. The hospital staff was kind enough to lift their strict visiting limitations so family could come visit.

Urea Cycle Disorder
Urea Cycle Disorder

The nurses let me hold him for the entire day. I sat in a chair and held him for hours upon hours, as family made their way in and out to say hello, some for the first time. Everyone had the chance to say goodbye, knowing it would most likely be for the last time.

When everyone had gone home, it was just my husband, Randy, and me with our darling baby boy. Randy and I switched places so he could hold him. A few minutes past 10pm, Sterling's heart rate began to drop. We told him he no longer needed to fight, and boy, did he listen to us. He was so ready to go home to heaven. He must have made a sprint toward streets of gold because at 10:12pm, he passed away.

We spent as much time as we could, holding his little 8lb body without the tubes and wires, knowing he was no longer suffering, but dancing and playing in heaven. This brought us comfort and soothed our aching hearts.

On the way home from the hospital that night, I received a phone call from a man asking what I imagine must be a hard question to ask a grieving mother. In a quiet, somber voice, he offered his condolences and asked if we would be willing to donate Sterling's heart tissue to children in need. 

I didn't hesitate, not for one second. Absolutely. Sterling didn't need them anymore and I know he'd be a giver. I know he would want this and be happy to help. We know what it's like to need a miracle, to be so desperate for God to move. We may not have received the miracle we prayed for, but we had the opportunity to pass miracles on to other families, so that's what we did. Two tiny heart valves were successfully recovered and donated to two small children.

The peace and healing that this brought me in return was immense. I started searching for other ways to serve and put my pain to good use. Then I remembered the freezer stash of milk I had acquired. Sterling didn't need it, but maybe there was a baby who did. I pumped what I could for a month and donated it to another mama who needed it for her baby boy, who was born right around the same time as Sterling. 

Sterling's life may have been short, but his impact was enormous. Our little baby became our biggest hero, as we watched him fight for his life and eventually, give hope and life to others after his death.

Sterling's legacy lives on in many ways, one of which is to help others with OTC deficiency. 

There is not much information about it online and unfortunately, most doctors are not trained to identify the symptoms or treat it until it's too late. I hope to reach as many doctors and nurses as possible to put urea cycle disorders on their radar and hopefully save many people along the way.  I also hope to reach moms and families, so the next mother in my shoes might know what testing to ask for when mystery symptoms arise. A simple ammonia level blood test would've given us the answer to why Sterling was having trouble breathing, but no one knew to test for it. With OTC deficiency and other Urea Cycle disorders, its important to get treatment fast. Ammonia is highly toxic to the brain and causes damage if left untreated for too long. It is my hope that OTC deficiency is added to the routine prenatal genetic screening test, to help other OTC families detect the disorder as soon as possible to learn their options and prepare the best they can. 

I wish more than anything that I would have known about OTC deficiency before Sterling was born. I would give anything to have him here with us. But I am so grateful for the Sterling silver linings he's left behind. And I will continue to share his life and legacy with whoever will listen.


Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Breinne! We are thankful you have such a caring heart and our hearts are with you and your family. <3


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Breastfeeding in the NICU - Kelsee's Story

NICU, Breastfeeding, Breastfeeding Story, ParentingMaria Mengel1 Comment

Our story this week comes from Kelsee. She always knew she would breastfeed, but after some unexpected events, that wouldn’t prove to be easy. Yet Kelsee pushed on and worked hard to provide for her daughter as best as she could!


I always knew I would breastfeed, even before I got pregnant. My mom nursed me and her mom nursed her. There is nothing like the feeling of feeding your baby with food produced by your own body. I didn’t think it was even a possibility that I wouldn’t get to have that. The breastfeeding and parenting journey I was embarking on would put to the test all of my capabilities.

At 41+3 weeks, I reluctantly went to the hospital for an induction, wishing I could have birthed naturally like I had planned. After my labor stalled and I experienced several drops in my baby’s heart rate, I needed to get a c-section. While I was terrified of getting surgery, I knew I had to be strong. I had no idea how strong I would have to be for the coming weeks ahead.

When they pulled her out of me, I didn’t hear her cry. It’s impossible to describe the feeling of that moment. True, guttural fear. All my worst anxieties while I was pregnant seemed to be coming true. I kept screaming for someone to tell me she was alive but no one would answer me. Either they didn’t know or they didn’t want to risk me doing something to endanger myself on the table. It felt like one of those nightmares where you keep screaming for help and everyone around you doesn’t seem to hear you, and you keep trying because that’s all you can do. After what felt like hours, they asked my husband if he wanted to see her and when he came back he told me they had resuscitated her and were keeping her alive with chest compressions. They took her away without letting me see her. 

Breastfeeding in the NICU

The first time seeing and touching her

After my mandatory hour in the recovery room, they took me to her room. She was blue, swollen, and breathing with the help of a ventilator. I reached out and touched her foot. Her toes were wonky just like mine and she smelled familiar. I could only stay for a few minutes but I named her in my head as soon as I saw her because I wasn’t sure if she was going to live and I needed her to have a name.

The beginning was a blur. My husband and I stayed with her in the hospital for the first nine days but time lost all meaning. We had no idea this would happen but we wouldn’t have been able to prepare ourselves even if we did. It was so hard to watch our child in pain and have no control over it. I didn’t feel like a mother. I wasn’t changing her diapers or feeding her. I could only hold her for a few minutes a day. I was helpless and lost. But I did have control over what she ate. So I decided I would do whatever it took to keep her on breastmilk and I hooked myself up to the pump.

I was recovering from surgery and barely sleeping or eating, but the stress from pumping was nothing compared to the stress of seeing my newborn hooked up to oxygen, monitors, IV’s, etc. So I pumped every 3 hours, night and day. She got tube fed every 3 hours and I needed to make sure I had enough for it each time, even as they were increasing her feeds day by day. Every single drop went to my baby, and when she was NPO (not being fed), I would freeze it. Thankfully, my husband was sleeping in the tiny hospital bed with me and would wash my pump parts for me each time. No one else felt the pain I was in like he did and so we continued each day as best we could together.

At some point a lactation consultant visited me and told me I needed to increase the intensity of the machine. It was so painful and I didn’t want to but I complied. My nipples were so chapped they were bleeding but I kept pumping. I had a clogged milk duct in one of my breast’s but I put a heating pad on and kept pumping. After a few days, my vision was blurring and I was incredibly weak. I thought it was because I wasn’t taking care of myself after my surgery, but I actually had lost too much blood. I got a blood transfusion and was stuck to my bed but still I kept pumping.

I was so terrified of what was happening to my daughter that I didn’t even realize or process what I was doing to myself in order to make enough milk for her. I was in a constant state of hypervigilance. I didn’t know if she was going to survive so this intense stress response inside of me never went away and even thinking about it puts me on high alert. Seeing my hard work in her bottle gave me a sliver of joy and satisfaction in an otherwise nightmare of an experience. My body was undergoing huge changes, mentally and physically, on top of the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with the NICU experience. Any normal mother has a chance of having postpartum depression or anxiety but as a NICU mother it’s almost a guarantee.

My milk supply finally became adequate enough for her feeds and I stopped threatening my health over it. I kept pumping and it was no longer painful. My nipples stopped bleeding and my milk duct became unclogged. She couldn’t feed by mouth, but at least she was getting my breastmilk. 

Breastfeeding in the NICU

A week or so after her heart surgery

We eventually transferred her to a different hospital with a more advanced NICU and care team that could fix her. After an attempted catheterization, one open heart surgery, a diaphragm plication, and more tests and pricks than I can count, we went home. We went home with an NG tube through her nose and she learned how to nurse but only for a few minutes. She had no stamina or instinct for feeding herself anymore so she had surgery for a more permanent option, a gastrostomy tube, where I can continue to give her breastmilk with a feeding pump. 7 months postpartum now and my milk supply has been dropping so we are having to supplement but I’m okay because I know I’ve done my absolute best. I know I should have been kinder to myself in the beginning but we’re here now and I’m proud of myself for being able to give her breastmilk even with everything we went through. It’s not the journey I had hoped for, but when you go through that kind of trauma, your perspective changes pretty dramatically. I am grateful every day that I was lucky enough to be able to take her home with me and that is enough.

Breastfeeding in the NICU
Breastfeeding in the NICU

How we eat now.


What do you think about Kelsee’s story? While she faced some pretty tough circumstances, we think she did an amazing job of providing for her daughter! Thanks for sharing Kelsee!


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