Our blog this week comes from Alaina. She has four kids, ranging in age from 5 to 12. This article is an encouraging piece for parents as they leave the early parenting stages and enter into the next phase with older kiddos. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did!
When we find out we are pregnant, we spend our entire pregnancy reading every book we can get our hands on and making sure we are prepared for not only the birth, but for caring for and raising an infant. When you leave the hospital, no one is sending you home with a manual. You’re thrown in and left to figure it out with the knowledge you have and the help of the support system around you. But for the most part, you have an idea of what to expect and after a few weeks or months you’ve likely hit your stride. Things have leveled out, you’ve worked out the kinks, and you have somewhat of a routine going. You start to think “hey, this isn’t so bad, let’s do it again!” and you start all over. Then, at some point during your years of parenting you will look over at your child and you will say to yourself “my gosh they look so grown!”
This is phase 2 of parenting. The phase that no one prepares you for and hits harder than the newborn years.
“Phase 2” is a term coined by my sister in laws, so allow me to explain. I married into a large family; my husband has 2 sisters and 1 brother and among us we have 16 children ranging from ages 19 to 5. Every summer we vacation together and being the family with children in the younger age ranges, there have always been activities and events we’ve had to skip or just modify to suit us better. They dubbed this phase 1-the phase where your kids are still young, not quite independent, get grumpy if they don’t nap, must eat at a certain time to avoid hangry demons, stars have to align perfectly to get them to sleep, may possibly still be breastfeeding, and basically you have to pack the entire house for any type of vacation. My in laws have children in the older age ranges- the ages that can dress and feed themselves, can hide their grumpiness a little better, can fall asleep anywhere at any time, and don’t need 50 changes of clothes per day. You can imagine the freedom that comes with children that are more independent. This is phase 2 and it sounds glorious, right?
Alaina’s three youngest cuties
My children are now 12, 10, 8, and 5 and we are entering this new phase of parenting. Although my 5 year old is obviously not completely independent, he essentially has 3 extra mothers that help out tremendously. With new found independence, we frequently look at our aging children and wonder when they became so grown. I look at our oldest daughter and staring back at me is an emerging young woman, something that seemed to sneak up on me. What once sounded glorious is now met with mixed emotions.
Alaina’s oldest and youngest
As your children age, normal parts of development hit you suddenly. They start to reach new developmental milestones and you wonder “is this normal; aren’t they too young?” No matter how prepared you think you are, it all still seems like a surprise and it can be immensely scary, intimidating, and just sad. Your babies aren’t babies, and you find that they really don’t need you in the same capacity as they once did. They need you now in an entirely new capacity. You can start to question things like “have I prepared them enough for what’s to come?” “Have I left the door open for them to talk to me?” “Have I laid the moral groundwork they need?” These are the big, scary questions that can lead you to self-doubt as a mother. But all these thoughts and fears are met with some amazing moments that can make you also say “I’ve done something right.” You start to catch a glimpse into the beautiful person they are becoming. They begin to have real conversations with you and begin to communicate effectively(sometimes.) You begin to see them excel educationally and socially. You watch how they interact with friends (and siblings) and see how that will translate into adulthood. You see them developing their own interests instead of the ones you signed them up for to keep them busy and active.
They’re developing a new sense of responsibility and self-worth. These are the moments where you can finally take a breath; you’re doing this parenting thing, and you’re doing it well.
Navigating this new phase isn’t easy. I wish I could give you all the tips for success, but the reality is I’m walking it with you. The same way we had to prepare for birth and infancy is the same way we prepare for this. The difference is there is no right or wrong way to do it and it will take longer to find our stride.
The challenges you face won’t be fixed with simple solutions like changing a diaper, breastfeeding/bottle feeding, rocking them, babywearing, etc. Find books that reflect your parenting style. Seek out resources for the “big topics” that match your religious/spiritual beliefs. Have these conversations frequently and casually. Chances are if you sit your child down to discuss something serious, they will shut down. Discuss things regularly, during times of one-on-one activities, casually, and frequently. Don’t bombard them with information all at once unless you want to be tuned out. If you struggle with behavioral issues, seek out specific resources. If you need help from counselors or therapists, know that it is not a failure on your part. Sometimes waiting for a child to “grow out” of a behavior or habit can really just be doing them a disservice. Maintain your support system and reach out to them frequently. Sometimes the best advice can come from someone whose been there and walked a similar path. However, it’s important to also remember that much like parenting any age, parenting a pre-teen and teen is not a one size fits all. It will take trial and error, and what may work for one of your children may not work for all of them. Or you may find that something works one day and not the next. Practice patience.
Alaina’s family
Remember that during this phase particularly, your children are watching you and modeling your behaviors more than ever. They are gauging how to react to personal problems, problems with peers, or reactions to what they see in the media/social media based on your reactions. Encourage your kids to participate in things that will help build their confidence and self-esteem. Most importantly, be present. Pay attention to what they’re watching, how they are interacting with peers, and monitor social media. It can be easy to take a step back during this time, but also crucial to keep lines of communication open and watch for any signs of concern.
During all of this, try to remember to stop and enjoy your own independence. Revisit old hobbies you once had no time for with young children. Enjoy solo outings if your kids have reached the age to leave them alone. Reconnect with your spouse and enjoy more date nights without the stress of having to find and prepare a babysitter! Amidst the new stress of phase 2 parenting, try to find the joy and relish in your success as a parent. And hey, maybe it will be so joyful you WILL want to start all over again (wink wink.)
Date night with all of the Phase 2-ers!
If you enjoyed this blog from Alaina, check out some of her other amazing articles!!
“Healing Powers of Liquid Gold (Part 1)”
“Put a Little Breastmilk On It: More Random Uses for Your Breastmilk”
She helped write this one: “Making the Choice for School” as well as this one: “The Best (and Worst) Breastmilk Storage Bags”