Our story this week comes from Raquel. She shares her story of loss and then learning to breastfeed rainbow twins.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. It is a deep sadness that I feel in my bones when I read that one in four women will lose a baby during pregnancy, delivery, or infancy. My husband and I lost 2 pregnancies prior to bringing our rainbow babies into the world. While these losses were heartbreaking, I am convinced that they made me into the mother I am today. I believe they taught me the resiliency I would need for breastfeeding and mothering my children.
After a challenging twin pregnancy, at 38 weeks, I gave birth via cesarean section to my two perfect little girls. While the doctors were stitching me back together, I was unable to hold my girls, but my husband would alternate bringing their sweet pink cheeks to mine. Finally, as they were about to roll me out of the OR and into the recovery room, the nurses helped to place them both on my chest. It was pure bliss. We would spend the next magical golden hour skin to skin in the recovery room and the girls instinctively knew how to find what they needed. I assumed this meant that breastfeeding would be simple for us. I was wrong. Breastfeeding my twin girls was physically exhausting, mentally taxing, and sometimes painful. It was also some of my favorite moments of motherhood, an incredible bonding experience with my daughters, and one of my proudest accomplishments.
Initially both babies were jaundiced and losing too much weight so it was recommended to start to give them some formula. I was determined to continue to try breastfeeding so a lactation consultant helped us figure out how to feed the girls with a tube and syringe system. This was quite the episode. Ideally, we would have 3 adults present each time I attempted to breastfeed (every 2-3 hours). My husband would usually help me set up and hold the tube and syringe system while I tried to get the first baby to latch. Another person would hold the 2nd baby and try to keep her from screaming while she waited to be fed. We would then have to switch the babies and do it all a 2nd time. Finally, after both babies had eaten and fallen back asleep, I would pump to try to get my supply up. I was lucky if I could rest for 45 minutes before getting ready to do it all over again. To say it was exhausting, is a dramatic understatement.
My husband was extremely encouraging and kept reminding me of how badly I wanted to be able to breastfeed, but on the 6th day of using the tube and syringe method, my milk had still not fully come in. I made a “one last effort” appointment with a lactation consultant for the next day. I decided that if things were not going smoothly by this appointment, I would switch to formula in bottles. By some magic, my milk came in fully on day 7. The lactation consultant showed me how to set myself up to tandem feed both babies at the same time, and support them with a bunch of pillows, blankets and burp cloths. Everything just kind of clicked for all 3 of us. Eventually I even figured out that with about 6 different pillows (breastfeeding and regular) and a couple of burp cloths I could set us all up and successfully tandem feed my twins all on my own. While at times, it was still uncomfortable or challenging, overall breastfeeding went well for us for the next few months.
At 3 months, I went back to work full time. I would have to pump; however, the volume of milk that I needed to pump was ridiculously large to feed two babies. I actually pooled all my milk in a large insulated thermos instead of taking up space in the community fridge with half a dozen small bottles. Unfortunately, on more than 1 occasion, I had a hard time opening the thermos as the lid got stuck and had to ask for help opening it. I learned very quickly that I should have warned my coworker what the thermos was for when I saw the look of horror on her face when she realized what she was handling. It wasn’t because she thought it was gross, but because she fully understood how precious that liquid was. I was also lucky enough to be able to purchase a hands-free in bra pump. This was critical to my success with pumping as I was able to pump in the car driving to and from work and even at my desk. I still closed the door for privacy, but there was a time when I forgot to lock it. A coworker came in, had a conversation with me and left without even noticing that I was pumping! Things like the thermos, hands free pump and having a private office did make pumping at work logistically easier for me (and provided some funny moments); however, it was still so challenging mentally and physically. I hated pumping, and yet I still really loved our sweet quiet breast-feeding times first thing in the morning or right before bed.
At 6 months, my supply started to dip and I needed to start supplementing with formula again. I continued to breastfeed as much as I could. By 9 months, I had a strong feeling of dread every time I had to pump at work and decided it was time to stop. My milk supply continued to drop, but I still breastfeed them a few times a day while also giving them food and formula as they needed.
I am so grateful to say that I was able to breastfeed to some extent until the girls were 17 months old. Unfortunately, we were not able to stop on our own terms. I developed a medical problem that required medication that I wasn’t allowed to breastfeed while taking. Prior to taking the first dose, I went home and had 1 last focused breastfeeding session with them. It was just me and my girls as we enjoyed the sweet, calm, special bonding moments for one last time. We closed out our breastfeeding journey and I reflected on how grateful I am for everything that led me to that moment. The loss of our first two babies in pregnancies that ended too soon. The support system that held me together during the most challenging time of my life. My loving husband and amazing father to our beautiful rainbow babies. And all the time, dedication, determination, and a lot of luck that was required throughout our breastfeeding journey.
Raquel’s Necklace is the Heirloom Milk+Honey(comb) Necklace in Yellow Gold. (The earrings are discontinued - SORRY!)
I now wear my Milk and Honey{comb} necklace as a reminder and symbol of this entire journey. Two cells have tiny gold flakes to represent our first two angel babies. Two other cells have pink flakes to represent our twin girls. There are a few cells left open to represent the openness to what the future may hold. For me, the honeycomb represents the support system that held me together and continues to support and help us raise our two daughters.
The other day, I took my now one and a half year old toddlers outside to see their first rainbow. I was brought back to Mother’s Day 2020 when I saw a huge double rainbow after taking a positive pregnancy test. I was cautiously hopeful for the future and what could be, but I couldn’t even have imagined that my double rainbow would end up being these two amazing little girls. I think back on how far we’ve come and everything we have overcome and I am honestly just in awe of our little family. Our breastfeeding journey was not simple. It involved tubes, syringes, pumping, bottles, lots of pillows and even more support from our “bee hive”. It was beautiful though, just like the rainbow arched over our backyard.
