Megan's Breastfeeding Story from the NICU

Our breastfeeding story this week comes from Megan. Megan shares her story of pumping for her daughter in the NICU.

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My breastfeeding story is not the typical one or the story I thought I would have. My husband and I are high school sweethearts and imagined having multiple children early on. We waited until we were 28 to get married, traveled a bit, and I decided to get off of birth control after a year of marriage. My doctor warned me it could take some time to regulate, but I was not ready for the journey we were going to have. 

We started trying to conceive in 2018 and did not have an easy time. My period never came and after 6 months of trying to regulate, I had to be put on medication to induce my period. My gynecologist at the time did blood work and realized I was not ovulating when I was supposed to be and that my testosterone was high. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2018 and was sent to a PCOS specialist/Fertility doctor. At this time, I was working for a school that did not cover fertility treatments, so we had to wait until I changed jobs and/or switched to my husband's insurance. Thankfully I got a new teaching job in a District that covered fertility in 2019. 

The reason that we went to this specific fertility doctor was because he was a PCOS specialist. My husband and I both did bloodwork and I was put on Metformin to help with my PCOS and to lose weight. At this time I began working out and watching what I was eating, trying to be healthy so I could conceive. The only way I would get a regular period was if I was weight lifting 3 times a week and was under a certain weight. This was not the best time of my life and then COVID happened and the world stopped. 

We had to pause all our fertility treatments/plans because of COVID. Once we were able to begin again, things that happened at our doctor started to question if we were at the right fertility office for us. They gave us condescending information, wanted my husband to retake tests that he already took, and finally they gave us wrong test results. This last step was when we decided we needed to find a new fertility doctor. We ended up switching fertility doctors and got very lucky and got pregnant on our first round of IUI in January of 2021, with a due date of September 28. We decided we didn’t want to know the gender and wanted to be surprised. 

Since this was a fertility pregnancy and with a diagnosis of a short cervix, I was considered high risk. I would see my normal OB and then a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor regularly. While preparing for the baby and not knowing the gender, we decided to make the nursery a Harry Potter theme. My husband and I are both obsessed with books and movies. This would be a perfect theme for our new addition. We had our nursery planned, showers planned, a mini babymoon planned and were so excited for the third trimester! 

During our babymoon, I started having leg pain and chest pain. I was 27 weeks and was cleared to travel by my OB. I assumed it was just because we drove 8 hours to Tennessee and was being affected by the elevation. I was swollen for most of my pregnancy, but my blood pressure was always okay. When we got back from Tennessee, I had my normal 28 week check up (even though I was 27+3 at the time). The OB found protein in my urine and my liver enzymes were elevated. 

I was first hospitalized on July 2, 2021 for preeclampsia monitoring. We spent the 4th of July weekend in the hospital, but were lucky since we had a surround sound view of fireworks. By Monday, my liver enzymes went back to normal and I was put on bedrest at home with weekly appointments with my MFM doctor and my OB. I was not allowed to start the school year in August, and was told we were going to keep the baby in for as long as possible. Three days after I was released from the hospital at my first MFM appointment, I was hospitalized again because my baby’s umbilical cord was being affected by my blood pressure being so high. 

I delivered our daughter on July 8, 2021 (we didn’t know what we were having!) at 28+2. We named her Nora. My preeclampsia turned into HELLP syndrome and I had an emergency c-section, which I was put under for. My platelets were at 44 when I went into surgery and I needed a blood transfusion. She was in the NICU for 76 days and my breastfeeding journey was pumping because that was literally the only thing I could do. Since I am a teacher and on summer break, I was pumping every 3-4 hours – at home and while visiting Nora in the NICU. When Nora was first born, she was only getting a very tiny amount, so each of my pumps was feeding her for a few days. I had a fairly normal supply and would pump anywhere from 2-6 ounces every pump. I filled up the NICU freezer and our freezer at home. It was a long time until I actually had to bring milk to the hospital since I pumped there everyday. 

Due to all this pumping and freezing, I was able to feed Nora through her NICU stay and up until she was 4 months old / 1 month adjusted. Nora was able to come home on September 22, 2021. I stopped fresh pumping in the beginning of October, and she ate all of the frozen milk. 

Pumping was exhausting, but it was the only thing I had control of while she was in the NICU. It, honestly, was the only thing that made me feel like a real mom for those 76 days. I found Milk + Honey on Instagram, and at first I thought it was weird…. But then I started my own journey and realized how special this is and how time consuming and close it made me and Nora.

I got a ring and I wear it on my thumb. It has gold and red flakes - gold and red to represent Gryffindor House and red for Nora’s birthstone, which is a Ruby. I adore my breast milk mothers ring because it reminds me of what Nora and I overcame and how our relationship started. If Nora would be lucky enough to attend Hogwarts, she would for sure be in Gryffindor House for her bravery. It’s amazing to me how much she has already done in her short life and I am so lucky to be her mother through this all.

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What do you think about Megan’s story? We think she did an awesome job! Thanks for sharing Megan!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story on our blog? Submit it here!

Breastfeeding in the PICU

Our story this week comes from Brianna. Read on to hear how she pushed through and persevered to provide breastmilk for her son in a time when she felt otherwise helpless to do anythign for him.

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I grew up in a home where breastfeeding was a frequent conversation topic. My mother is a lactation specialist, and it wasn’t uncommon for her to be helping a new mom with a breastfeeding question at the dinner table. When I had my daughter I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but our feeding journey was a roller coaster from the start. She wasn’t able to latch, she had tongue and lip ties, she fell asleep as soon as we started a feeding, and my milk supply was low. We had her ties reversed, but she still wasn’t able to nurse. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding for the three months of my materiality leave, and when it was time to go back to work we switched to formula. I felt guilty for being so relieved, but I truly hated pumping. It took me a long time to unpack the emotions I felt in those first few months. Ultimately I’ve come to learn that my worth as a woman and a mother isn’t defined by being able to breastfeed. Those months of pumping showed me that I was strong and determined, but they also taught me that my mental health is more important than where the milk comes from. A fed baby is a happy baby.

Fast forward to this past June when I was pregnant with our second baby. I told myself I was not going to put as much pressure on myself as I did last time. I almost didn’t even order a pump through insurance this time around, because I knew I didn’t want to pump again. I wasn’t going back to work because of COVID, so I figured I would breastfeed or bottle feed and that would be that. When our son Milo was born it was immediately different. He was rooting and latched right away. He didn’t have tongue or lip ties, and breastfeeding seemed to click. When we were discharged the next day I was feeling confident and thankful that feeding was looking easier this time.

Unfortunately the next several weeks were filled with frequent visits to the pediatrician. Milo lost 13% of his birth weight and was slow to gain it back. My milk was late to come in and once again my supply seemed low. I kept nursing, supplemented with formula for a few weeks, and by the time he was two months old he was finally gaining well and he was exclusively breastfeeding.

We were glad to be done with frequent doctor visits, until a couple weeks later when Milo woke up and something wasn’t quite right. He was fussy and he didn’t want to eat. He would cry every time I tried to get him to latch, but with a lot of effort he would finally nurse. The next morning he woke up, nursed once, and over the next couple hours we knew something was wrong. He didn’t have a fever, but he was unable to nurse and he seemed lethargic. We saw the pediatrician who believed he was constipated and dehydrated. She sent us to the local emergency room, and we were admitted. When we got to the ER I realized since I hadn’t nursed him all day, I needed to pump. I called my husband to retrieve the Spectra pump I had begrudgingly ordered and stuck in the closet. I pumped that evening and tried to syringe feed Milo, figuring the next day he would nurse again once he was feeling better. However, the next morning he was worse. He was unable to swallow and was making this awful, low, whining cry. He was more lethargic than the day before, and I knew something was very wrong. We were transferred, via ambulance, to a nearby children’s hospital. As the day went on I watched my sweet baby get sicker and sicker. He could not swallow, he could not move, he could hardly cry. At one point, his oxygen saturation dropped, and the pediatric team initiated our transfer from the peds floor to the pediatric ICU. When we arrived on the floor Milo was immediately evaluated by the PICU team. The attending, who I will forever be grateful for, examined him for several minutes and then said, “I think this is botulism.”

My husband arrived just as the team was leaving (up until this point I had been by myself due to COVID policies) and the attending reviewed his plan with us. Our son was presumed to have infant botulism, and the attending recommended we begin the treatment immediately. The drug used to treat botulism is an orphan drug called BabyBIG. It’s only made in California, and each dose must be made and transported as needed. Testing to confirm botulism takes several days, so it is recommended that treatment begin without confirmation when botulism is suspected. The team requested the dose of BabyBIG right away and it arrived in New York roughly 12 hours later. Milo received the dose of BabyBIG almost immediately, and then we just had to wait and hope the diagnosis was correct.

Over the next several days the PICU team ran test after test to rule out other diagnoses (meningitis, genetic disorders, metabolic disorders, etc.) while waiting to confirm botulism. During this time, our son was intubated, sedated, and a feeding tube was placed. Botulism toxin blocks nerve endings from being able to contract muscles, so as the toxin moves through the body it slows digestion, motor movement, swallowing, and breathing; essentially paralysis. When the feeding tube was placed, it was my first chance to feed him in days. My milk supply had tanked, as I was mainly pumping for comfort, but something ignited within me and I was determined. Sitting in a PICU room with a sick baby makes you feel helpless, but pumping was something I could do. He could still have breast milk through that feeding tube. So I got to work. Family members made and dropped off lactation cookies, my mother sent supplements, I got appropriate sized flanges from the hospital's lactation consultant, and I pumped. I pumped every 2-3 hours for the next week and a half, and that precious milk went right into the kangaroo feeding bag connected to his NG tube. As exhausted as I was, I was glad to be able to do anything to take care of him in such a helpless situation.

Four days after receiving the BabyBIG, Milo was showing progress. He was beginning to move his arms and legs. The next day he opened his eyes. A couple days later he was breathing on his own. Slowly his suck started coming back. It was incredible watching everything he lost be reversed as his muscle strength and movement were restored. On the day he was extubated we were finally allowed to hold him again, and that was spectacular. Soon after, he was cleared for non nutritive nursing, so I would pump and then he would latch and essentially “practice nursing” while receiving his NG feed. It was exhausting, but seeing progress each day helped us move forward.

Toward the end of our stay he completed a fiberoptic endoscopic evaluation of swallowing (FEES) to determine if he was safe to resume oral feedings. He passed, but they wanted him to start off with bottle feedings. Those feedings were challenging because he wasn’t a bottle fed baby and he didn’t have the stamina to complete a bottle feeding. After a day of bottle feeding attempts, and some advocating on my part, they cleared him for nursing instead. Once again I felt relief as part of my breastfeeding journey, but for totally different reasons. My baby was back in my arms nursing and my hard work to restore my milk supply had paid off.

Many babies with botulism are discharged from the hospital with their feeding tubes, as the swallow can be impacted for a variable amount of time, but after two days of successful nursing Milo’s feeding tube was able to be removed. While that was an exciting moment, nothing compared to the following day when we were discharged, two weeks to the day were admitted.

I’m so in awe of Milo's strength and resiliency. While we were in the hospital several people told us, “he won’t remember any of this.” True, he won’t, but we sure will. I will never forget seeing him in that hospital bed, and I won’t ever take for granted the ability to hold and feed my baby. I’m so proud to have persevered with pumping and that our breastfeeding journey can continue. There will still be hard days; we are parenting a baby and a five year-old after all, but thankfully this little guy has smiles in spades.

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What do you think about Brianna’s story? We think she did an incredible job at doing the best she could for her babies! Thanks for sharing Brianna!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it here!

Laura's Story of Overcoming and Finding the Right Help

This week, our story comes from Laura. One thing we love about Laura’s story is how she faced many challenges in her breastfeeding journey, but she sought help and didn’t give up!

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Before my son was born, I knew I wanted to at least attempt to breastfeed. I wasn’t against formula by any means, but I knew there were some amazing benefits to breastmilk for baby and mama, and to me there was something incredible about feeding my baby the way babies have been fed for centuries.

Throughout my pregnancy, my blood pressure increased little by little, but the doctors weren’t overly worried about it. Around 33 weeks my ankles started to get really swollen but at my 34 week appointment, my blood pressure was fine. At 35 weeks 6 days, my ankles were getting even more swollen than normal, and I could feel the swelling climbing up my leg. The school nurse took my blood pressure, and it came up as 180/120. She said she wasn’t sure it was working correctly, but she calmly suggested I go to the hospital. I checked into the hospital at 5:30pm, and my blood pressure was so high that the nurse said “Wow, that’s impressive.” I had severe pre-eclampsia, and they said we were going to have our baby that night. Our son Angus was born via emergency c-section at 8:01pm, weighing 5lbs15oz.

For the first 24 hours of my son’s life I was stuck in bed because of blood pressure medication. Angus was still in the NICU being monitored for breathing, and his blood oxygen levels kept dropping below 90. I only got to see him every 2-3 hours when they brought him to me, and only for short visits. The nurses started to talk to me about breastfeeding, and one of the nurses expressed colostrum from my breasts so they could start to feed Angus through an NG tube (through his nose). They gave me a pump and taught me how to use it. I tried to nurse Angus when they brought him in to visit, but he fell asleep pretty much right away every time, so I continued with pumping. Since he was so small, they asked if I wanted to only feed him MY breast milk, whether I was comfortable with using donated breast milk in addition to mine, and whether I was comfortable supplementing with formula to add more calories. At that point, my only concern was about my son being healthy and to get him growing, so I agreed to using both donated milk and formula, and I kept pumping every 2-3 hours.

After a few days my production started to increase and the nurses didn’t have to use any donor milk anymore, but we were adding formula to my milk for extra calories. After 2 days of getting milk through the NG tube, Angus started to drink from bottles. They took out his NG tube, which was really exciting, but he still wasn’t doing great with nursing. The NICU nurses said that it was normal for babies born before 37 weeks to struggle, because they don’t understand the suck-swallow-breathe pattern. The lactation consultant at the hospital came by several times during our stay, and she helped us with proper positioning. She also suggested using a nipple shield, so we did. Angus was in the NICU for 13 days. The hospital had a great program where if they had extra rooms I could sleep at the hospital for as long as he was there. I was able to stay there almost the entire time, getting up for every feeding. We would try nursing for a few minutes, then I would pump and then bottle feed him. The night before he was going to be discharged, I slept at home, slept an extra hour or two between pumps, and I developed my first of a few bouts with a clogged duct and mastitis. We got settled at home, but I was getting up every 3 hours to triple feed (nurse, bottle feed, pump). My husband sometimes offered to do the nighttime feedings but I had to pump anyway, so I was up every 3 hours for weeks. His pediatrician asked us to keep supplementing with formula. Angus and I both cried many times over the next 5 weeks; he was slow to figure out nursing, and I was so frustrated at every feeding. I felt like I was somehow failing him, even though he was thriving and a very happy baby.

I started to seek out lactation help since we were not making much progress. I went to a lactation appointment at the hospital, and she said “He’s a mystery to me” which was not helpful or reassuring. I started going to the breastfeeding support group at the hospital. The woman running the group was another lactation consultant, and she did in-home lactation visits. I was starting to give up hope that he would nurse, but I set up a home visit with her. Having her come into my home was so much less stressful than going into the hospital for a visit. She helped me relax and taught me strategies to get him more interested in nursing, rather than forcing it at feeding time. She suggested we spend as much time as possible doing skin-to-skin, letting him find his way there on his own, and assuring me that him falling asleep at the breast wasn’t a bad thing, it just meant he was content there! She also encouraged me to take a break during some of the feeds, and to not force it if it wasn’t going well.

Slowly, we both started to get more comfortable, and nursing became less stressful and more successful. I distinctly remember when he was crying after his first set of shots, that was the first feeding that felt really successful. After our second lactation visit (at 7 weeks old), after watching him nurse, she suggested that we try exclusively nursing for a week and see how it went. I was nervous, and there was one night when Angus was upset ALL. NIGHT. LONG. At the end of that week, he had lost weight. I realized that he must have been hungry that entire night, and I was devastated. The following week we went back to a bottle or two per day with extra calories, but Angus was doing even better with nursing, and it felt like he was finally nursing until he was satisfied. That week he gained almost 10 ounces! From there, we weaned off the bottles and exclusively nursed. We were still using nipple shields at that point, and slowly we weaned off those too. I went back to work when he was 15 weeks. I pumped on the way to and from work every day (thank goodness for a battery operated pump and a hands free bra!), and twice during the day to make sure he had enough milk to drink at daycare. I work in different schools every day as a consultant, so I was pumping in storage closets most days. It was really challenging to plan my day around pumping and there were days when I missed pumps or didn’t pump enough. At that point, I had set myself the goal of making it to a year, but

I was ready to be done pumping. In March, when he was 11 months old, we got quarantined because of COVID-19, so we surpassed our year goal with no problem! It is much easier for me to let him nurse than it is to make a snack!

Angus is 14 months old now, and he still nurses several times a day. Some days those are the only times my son slows down and the only snuggles I get! Struggling through the first two months of our breastfeeding journey gives me so much more appreciation for every single feed we have together. Even if he decides to stop nursing tomorrow, it will be one of the things I’m most proud of as a mom. For any moms who have their heart or mind set on breastfeeding, I highly suggest recruiting a lactation consultant if you can to help figure out your journey! And no matter what, remember that you are the best mom for your baby, and only you and your baby know what’s right for you two!

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What do you think about Laura’s story? We think she did an awesome job reaching out for help until she found the help she needed! Thanks for sharing Laura!
Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it here!

Danielle's Story: When Breastfeeding Doesn't Come "Naturally"

This week’s story comes from Danielle. Danielle learned first hand how something so natural doesn’t always come easy. She pushed through and overcame obstacles to feed her son!

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Before even getting pregnant I always knew I wanted to breastfeed my children. Being a nanny I always saw moms nursing their children and they made it seem so easy, so why would I ever be anxious about when it would be my turn? I was wrong! The first time I was stressed about breastfeeding was when I was pregnant, I feared if I would even have enough milk to feed my baby. The stress wasn’t even about a latch, it was the supply. 

Fast forward to when my son was born, I had a complicated birth so after he arrived he was taken to the nicu for 6 hrs before I could even attempt to breastfeed. When it was time he wouldn’t latch, my nipples were considered too flat. While in the hospital the nurses wanted me to attempt to latch and then after a feed to pump out the colostrum to give my baby the next feed after attempting to latch again. Everytime I had to do this I called my nurse in to help me or to just evaluate what I was doing, cause of course being a first time mom I thought I was doing everything wrong! I probably apologized to my nurses more than I've apologized to anyone in my life, but that’s what they are there for.

After going home I had to use the boppy since the hold I had to have my baby in was so awkward, I also started using nipple shields although the nurses told me not to. I went on like this for 2 whole months!!!! On top of figuring out how to breastfeed after thinking it came so natural to moms (that’s a huge lie) my son had a dairy sensitivity. I had to cut out everything dairy in my diet to help my son thrive off of my breast milk and that was honestly so exhausting being on such a strict diet caring for not only myself but my son. Finally as my son got older it became more and more comfortable for us, it probably wasn’t till my son turned 8 months when I didn’t even have to think about what I was doing to feed him. Through our breastfeeding journey I donated 500+ ounces of breastmilk to other babies in need. I ended up having an oversupply and my son didn’t take bottles so anything I pumped I gave away. I told myself once he turned 1 I was going to stop but then 18 months came around and now my son just turned 2 years old on March 22nd 2020, we’re still going strong. Not sure or how to stop but I think at this point I’m leaving it up to him. 

My advice for new moms who are having a hard time would be to be easy on yourself, both you and your baby are learning something very new. It takes a lot of time and patience but IT GETS EASIER! I actually hated hearing people tell me “it gets easier” because it doesn’t help me with what’s going on right then and there, but I promise it does get easier.

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What do you think about Danielle’s story? She did an awesome job doing what was best for her son! Thanks for sharing Danielle!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story on our blog? Submit it here!

Barrett’s Story

Our story this week comes from Katy. Katy’s story is heartwrenching, and you may want to make sure you have a box of tissues nearby. We are grateful to her for her vulnarability in sharing her story with us.

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My journey breastfeeding my son Barrett who is in heaven is much different than that of my daughter Penelope who is 2 years old. I was able to nurse Penelope from the start, navigate through a tongue tie and just enjoy that nursing experience (I will say it was much more difficult than I envisioned it would be). 

Barrett was born on June 14, 2019 and my husband and I noticed right away that Barrett’s cry was not as strong as his sister’s cry when she was born just 16 months earlier. I held my baby boy and asked if it was ok to nurse him as we were snuggling during our first time doing skin-to-skin. The nurse told me I was not able to nurse Barrett due to his difficulties with breathing. My baby boy was taken to the specialty care nursery, so I began to start pumping so he was able to start eating his momma’s milk. I pumped around the clock and tried to stay as positive as I could while devastated that I was unable to nurse my sweet boy. Barrett’s story is a long one, with 2 hospital transfers where he ended up in the highest level nicu. Breast Milk was a part of Barrett’s treatment plan and I made sure to pump as often as I could. Pumping kept me busy and made me feel a little less helpless in a very difficult situation. My husband Tyler made sure my pump parts were always cleaned and sanitized for the next use. I truly couldn’t have been as successful with pumping if it wasn’t for the support of Tyler.

We spent our days at the hospital and slept minimally so that we could be with Barrett as much as possible. About 3 weeks into our nicu stay while pumping Barrett’s doctor came to tell us that the condition we suspected that our son had was confirmed. Our son was diagnosed with a fatal lung disease called Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia. I continued pumping because I loved that my son was getting nutrients from me and it helped my heart during the most difficult time of my entire life. It wasn’t the nursing bond I had hoped for but it was still an incredible feeling knowing he was getting my milk. Sometimes he was unable to get milk but was able to do oral care. Oral care consisted of syringe feeding Barrett my milk and boy did he love it. Oral care was also something Tyler could do which made me very happy to see him feeding Barrett. Since Barrett was unable to eat as much as I pumped the hospital froze everything for me. Barrett went to be with Jesus on 7/12/2019. Tyler and I went to the hospital to pick up all of the frozen milk and I knew I needed to donate this milk to another baby. That was one way I wanted to share a piece of Barrett because I know Barrett would want to share with another baby who needed breastmilk. Pumping was very difficult but brought me hope knowing another baby was able to enjoy it and get the health benefits from it. Barrett’s legacy is a strong one and as his momma it is my pride and joy to continue his legacy. I am currently pregnant with Barrett’s Irish twin (babies born within a year of each other) and my hope and prayer is that I will be able to nurse this sweet boy and give him some of Barrett’s milk I have saved just for this new baby.

You can find our full story first reported by lovewhatmatters.com.

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What an amazing act of kindness Katy did when she donated her breastmilk to other babies! Find out more about Breast Milk Banks here.

Thank you Katy for sharing your story! Barrett was so blessed to you have a mom and we are honored that you have allowed us to share your story on our blog!

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Would you like to share your breastfeeding story on our blog? Submit your application here!

Sarah's Triple Feeding Journey

Our breastfeeding story this week comes from Sarah. Sarah began her breastfeeding journey after a traumatic birth and her son being in the NICU for 18 days. She struggled with balancing triple feeding, and trying to do what was best for her baby only to feel overwhelmed time and time again. Read below about her journey and how she is proud of it—as she should be!

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My breastfeeding journey has been nothing like I expected. As a first time mother, I thought it would be easy, but it’s been anything but easy. 

At 35 weeks, my husband and I drove to the hospital after my blood pressure skyrocketed. By the time we were in triage, it was so high the nurse turned to me and said, “I’m surprised you haven’t had a seizure yet.” They rushed me into an emergency c-section and before I knew it my son was here. In two hours I went from sitting on the couch watching The Great British Bake-Off, to being a mother. My husband was able to steal a glance at our son as they whisked him off to the NICU, but I didn’t get the chance to see him until two hours later. The moment I was settled in my hospital room the nurse wheeled the pump to my bedside and told me it was time to pump. So, I did what she advised and attached myself to that metal, whirring, machine. I pumped every three hours and pumped as long as I saw milk, which turned out to be for one hour each time. RIP my nipples. I was lucky that my milk came in quickly and my son was able to get colostrum and my breast milk. I visited him in the NICU as often as I could, trying desperately to be there for every feed. This proved difficult as my blood pressure was still not completely under control. The hospital staff would give me permission to visit him only after taking my vitals. I vividly remember standing at the door of my room, clutching my bottle of breastmilk as nurses, residents, and doctors argued about letting me see my baby only to be told no. I understand now it was for my safety, but at the moment it was heartbreaking. 

My son spent eighteen days in the NICU as we overcame his health challenges and tried to feed him. I attempted to nurse at every feed I could, but most of the time he needed to supplement afterward. There was talk of a tongue tie, but his medical team seemed to be really against snipping it. After we came home, the struggles with breastfeeding continued. I was told at the hospital that I had an oversupply and to stop pumping completely and let him get what he needed. Every time we nursed, though, he would fall asleep no matter what I tried or he would get frustrated and end up not eating much. I would either nurse him again in ten minutes or supplement with a bottle. Suffice it to say, my supply tanked and I started pumping again. After a visit with a lactation consultant, I began triple feeding, which means I would nurse, pump, and then supplement with what I pumped or had stored previously. This meant that I spent all of my time feeding the baby, washing pump parts and bottles, and by the time I was done he would wake up and need to eat again. There was no break, no moment to breathe, and I had no time to truly enjoy my baby. I couldn’t just cuddle him after he ate, because I had to either supplement or pump or both at the same time. I was exhausted, sad, and lonely because no one understood how I felt. I was constantly asked, “why?” Why don’t you just nurse him and forget about pumping? Why don’t you just stop and feed him formula? Why is getting this to work so important? Why? Because everything had gone so wrong with his birth, I felt that in his first few days, the least I could do was provide him breastmilk. Now I understand how flawed this thinking was. However at the time, not being able to nurse felt like yet another failure. 

Eventually, I had to choose one thing to drop from this triple feeding nightmare.  I chose to give up nursing. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. I cried. I felt like a failure. I thought I was the worst mother for stopping, but I was able to enjoy my child a little more. Yes, I still had to attach myself to that whirring torture device every three hours. But it allowed me to release some of the anxiety and stress from feeding my son and truly bond with him. 

Eleven months postpartum and I’m still pumping. It hasn’t been easy by any means. I’ve sacrificed sleep, freedom to leave the house, and more to provide breastmilk and I still get sad about how my breastfeeding journey ended up. I see beautiful photos of mothers nursing their children, or friends having the journey I so desperately wanted, and it stirs up those negative emotions. When I catch myself feeling down or jealous, I acknowledge those feelings and let them sit for a moment before reminding myself of everything I’ve been able to do. My son has received eleven months of breastmilk from me. I am so proud of myself for sticking with it for as long as I have and for working as hard I have. It is honestly one of my proudest accomplishments. More importantly, though, is that my son has a mother who is happy and no longer beating herself up for her perceived breastfeeding failures. I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel sadness and loss for an experience that didn’t go the way I had hoped, but I strive to acknowledge my successes and hard work and find comfort and pride in providing what I can for my son. 

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What do you think about Sarah’s story? We think she did an amazing job providing for her son in the best possible way she could! Thanks for sharing Sarah!

Would you like to share your breastfeeding story our blog? Submit it here!